Facebook feelings

Today was minorly productive: sleep in; power toning class at 24-Hour Fitness with Kristie; then shopping for a couple hours for clothes, hair jazz, and food. Got life back in order. Top off the night of doing scrapbooking at Adrienne&Nathan's and DEVOURING three movies: two chicker flickers and one Creeper McCreepster one. (Or... "No Reservations," "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days," and "Minority Report." Adrienne whipped out about 8 cards and 5 scrapbook pages. Kristie (dear Kristie who claims to have no creativity in her) dazzled us with 6 super cute cards. In the meantime, I got... 3 pages finished. 1 double-spread, 1 single. FAIL. I didn't realize how behind I was until I saw their achievements. Oops oops ops ops.

"Minority Report" ended at a whopping 2:45 a.m., so Kristie and I finally cleared out, came to my place to sleep our lives away. In this time, I got on Facebook for any epic daily updates. 

I care for a total of probably 7 Facebook friends. I was looking at all the updates in my Home and realized that, "Wow. I'm only keeping people as friends because when I go to one of my friends' pages and see that I need to add them as a friend again, I know I got deleted. The jerk." ha ha First, I laugh my butt off at the message/maturity level of the person. Then I move on and forget it. But I don't want to shatter someone's life by deleting them. Facebook, you're giving me a complex. That's why I steer clear most of the time and get on for brief moments, if that. 

A Christmas Reflection

This Christmas break was full of laughing, games, warmth, appreciation, love, and teasing. As a family, we dined "Canton Kitty" (Canton City)--our favorite. I think that is the one place we have eaten as a family. Other than Li'l Caesars and McD's, that is. The latter don't qualify as "dining" out, in my opinion. Dad may have (okay, DOES have) a differing opinion. Gross. We quoted dad's epic quotes such as his ebay username "more friends and junk." The fact he has ebay was comical. Add that he has tried to outbid himself, and you've got a raucous table of eight: the four couples--Mom&Dad, Adrienne&Nathan, Melissa&Adam, and.....Kristie&Cec? Sure.
We created a Facebook for daddio--add him. Mark Francisco. He still doesn't do his own facebooking, but we thought it time that he reconnect with all his high school besties... that is...all two of 'em.
Christmas naturally brought happiness, peace, and gratitude. So much time and effort were put into preparations, be it the cousin get-together, Adrienne's baby shower, Christmas Day itself with gifts given to parallel the gifts of the wise men.
For the first time in my life, I tried to bring a spiritual element to Christmas Day. In the past, it's about opening gifts, being all happy, and going on with life with the additional goods you received. This year every time I thought of giving or receiving presents, I reminded myself why those were given so many centuries ago--to honor the birth of the Savior of the World. And we have an opportunity every year to re-live that moment by giving gifts to each other. I don't think the wise men looked around their homes, found the most inexpensive gift, and shoddily covered it, offering the gift. I think they pondered on what had value, took great care to present it to the baby who would one day redeem them from their sins. I think this first gift offering was special, tender, and not an expectation.

....and that's okay.

I started this break off with a sour attitude; I delayed Adrienne and Nathan on our journey home by having excessive goods to transport home; we got stuck several times in the snow; my laptop(s) got accidentally forgotten... Of all the crap I brought home, probably the most important thing I need... forgotten. Joy.
So, my "break" started off poorly. Okay, IT wasn't poor--my ATTITUDE was. I went out to the hot tub by myself to vent out my frustrations to the Big Man upstairs. I was determined to have a miserable break, isolate myself and my feelings, get to Provo asap so I was anywhere but here, and make absolutely no change to myself.
Well, Someone had other plans for me.
The very next day I slept through it, got over myself, and was amazed at how easily Adrienne, mom, and I started to get along. Mom commented, "I was so excited for Cecilly to come home because I knew she'd be that happy, go-lucky person in the house who just went with anything." (or something to that effect.) Having an expectation someone else has of me solidified to me who I am: they know. Even though sometimes I lose sight, family knows. Friends know.

I was particularly disappointed that night of upset-ness because our family is not normal. We don't... do normal family stuff: no family vacations growing up, no hugs (except greeting and good-byes), don't talk about feelings, don't express ourselves or really share problems unless they are a major problem, none of that scripture study/family prayer/FHE. Mom & dad tried, but we gave up after several failed attempts. I just feel like our family doesn't fit the mold of an "LDS family." Kristie and I talked about how we've been brought up to be independent. Our family isn't one to pamper emotionally. You just do what you've gotta do, put on your big girl panties, and buck up. You make it through.
Being intelligent and working hard are two highly valued qualities in our family, and I feel that I just barely miss both criteria sometimes. Sometimes in pain I wonder why we can't be a family who jsut accepts whatever? Why the high expectations? I want to relax and not worry about being perfect.
But we're not that family. And that's okay.
Sure, dad swears up a storm and we all laugh our butts off because he's hilarious. Maybe we don't have traditions--maybe we're okay moving Christmas up two days if we want to. Is that normal? heck no way, but that's okay.

Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?

Go Mulan. You reflect on that, GIRL. Is my reflection someone I know? I think so. I think she's a pretty happy, chill girl. Yes, a heated temper. I'm able to bounce from one thing to the next, and when I'm delayed in my timing I get frustrated. Fast. But generally, she tries to be good: turns off naughty songs, uses kidsinmind.com to rate movies, doesn't do drugs... :) So far so good, eh? 

I was doing the 10-Day Beauty Challenge, and suffice it to say that I failed even the first task: don't weigh yourself for the 10 days. Got home, and what do I do? Update myself! The number down there scares me, the double chin I'm sporting isn't boosting my confidence, and the incessant zits on my chin make "beauty" a miserable topic to discuss with me right now.

But I was thinking about the 10-Day Beauty Challenge thing. Really, I'm one pretty awesome cookie. (Yes, "cookie" is the right word I'm wanting to use right now, thank you.) Maybe I'm a little poufy...have a little extra here and there. But hey, that's for my winter hibernation, mkay?

In my defense so I'm not viewed as a total lard (not that anyone would still be reading this...) I went to the rec center today and climbed the rock wall. Ooh, now there is something I like: I get so into it: sure, the rope will catch me, but when I'm climbing, if I fall I fall to death. This isn't some mock trial to me. I love it! Then I went and lifted so I'm not such a wuss at climbing. But maybe, just maybe I've found me a hobby.
That adds to my beauty...right?

Enough

For the majority of today I have felt so ready to pass out. Finals are grueling; the mental demand only pushes me further physically. I see it as a worthwhile sacrifice to put in those extra hours of studying rather than sleep, but it is catching up to me and today is only Day 2 of finals. (Granted, the worst is over) Today, for instance: the Terror exam: Macroeconomics. (this post is a grammatical mess—please note its symbolism of my mind and life right now). Pretty sure my brain died. And is in recovery. Well, recover fast li’l mind, because finals aren’t over yet!

Back to today. Spent not enough time studying for the final, got a little under 6 hours of sleep, was sooo tempted to wear my onesie to take my final but settled for taking my blanket, took the final, came home and slept for two more hours until I was ready to live life, seriously struggled to get my butt out of bed to face the day, and have spent the rest of the day doing nothing productive enough.

Right now I’m so over this. All this. My stomach hurts, I am a lard, my body demands sleep, I don’t smile enough anymore, my social life rivals that of a rock—with the rock winning—please hurry here, Friday. 7 p.m. You will not come soon enough. At that moment, I will be off work and completely finished with finals. I plan to sleep. Sleep a lot.

Laundry, I promise I will take care of all of you. I know we haven’t talked since Thanksgiving, but we’ll be friends again. Thank goodness for swimsuits when…certain clothing… runs out! My life is exotic. So don’t care that this is public. Bigger and worse thangs to worry about.

I don’t even know what emotion I’m feeling. I’m beyond exhaustion.

“Days like this make me want to start blogging.” –fellow co-worker, Todd.

"Cecilly, you're really smart. Your hand-writing is bad, but that's okay because you're really smart."

Words from my Geography TA right as I handed in my final (which I totally ACED). Touching.

New project: my handwriting.

I am not living for my resume

Tonight Buckwheat and I joined Adrienne & Nathan for dinner. I admit, I love going over to their apartment; both are such dynamic people and we have such a grand time; granted, I don't speak much while there, but I've discovered that that is my home Cecilly--I fade to the background. Meanwhile, college Cecilly is known to be crazy. (Note: I am going to try to develop the intelligent Cecilly next semester. I feel the need to mature and let myself grow maturity-wise.)

We played Settlers of Catan. Classic. Love it. Afterwards, we all settled down to chat for a bit. James came and left with Kristie to go study--he's quite an entertaining person. We all settled on the story that Uncle "Jack" has a shrine in Adrienne & Nathan's apartment, and Uncle Jack just wanted their wedding pictures surrounding his shrine. Joy And Christian K...something....

Which path? I don't know, dang it!

In sisterly love, Adrienne asked what I'm planning to do with my life. Can I just say I HATE having to say I don't know? Oh, how I loathe being indecisive! I didn't realize until that moment that I don't really have a game plan. Why don't I have a game plan? Too many unknown variables in life. I have several tracks I want to pursue to see where I end up:

• hospitality: once I had a dream to own a hotel chain/bed&breakfast with amazing & creative rooms which I decorate! I love being artsy in my own funky style
• development: working with/for an NGO, Microfinance Institution (MFI), Non-profit. Something of that sort. In Africa. I feel that I could really make a worthwhile impact in my life. Learning about development and Africa intrigues me more. I want to be a part of a life-changing work. 
• marketing: this is a fall-back. I don't know if I even like marketing. This next semester I'll discover if I care about it or not. I figure I'm a competent person--I mean, I'm not an entire imbecile, so I could get the job done. But would I enjoy it? That is the question... 

Those are the possible life endings for Cecilly's life. 

I feel a need to graduate school because I do not want to be graduating college at age 25 or something horrendous like that. Adrienne made a valid point: if I am doing worthwhile things with my life, then that would be fine. 

Occurences/events which I want to do, but postpone graduation:

I could be here...

• nanny. This idea was re-planted in my head tonight by Jake in apt 12. He was talking about taking off next year to get things done he's just itching to do. I didn't know that was allowed. There are no time police, but I just figured once you're in school, you do that till you're finished. But then I had a slight paradigm shift: do things in my own dang time. This is my life, anyway. I've always wanted to nanny; I was going to go right after graduation before college but scholarships lured me here quicker. I think I am mature enough now to competently care for someone's children. And I'm at the point I want to plan for a mission and really want to pay for it by myself. I know financial assistance would willingly come from home, but I'm a big girl: I want to do it myself. I want to grow up. I love kids. This will help me become a more mature person, but still balance the "professional" side. Now I'm looking at time frame: this next spring/summer through next winter--putting me finishing a year contract right at 21, mission time? Or do Spring/Summer to get some classes finished and plan to go Fall/Winter. But if I do that, I feel I'll be too settled to want to go still. But either way, I need to earn money before a mission. 

...or/and here.

• mission? For real? Or am I just saying this because I don't have another plan? Today in church I went to the missionary prep class, and honestly it changed something in me: I really want to go now. I want to be a change in the Church. I want this happiness to be a part of others' lives, even if it is at the expense of two years of school. 

• honors thesis/field study in Africa. This is needed for graduation with a Global Management Certificate and Honors. It is basically set, but the timing of it messes me up. I have a class I need the semester prior, then I spent a semester (or two terms) doing the actual research there, write it the semester after, and submit my Honors Thesis research the beginning of my last semester. So I need a full year for the complete process. This is looking like it'll be after my mission. I am going to take French, and if I do a nanny, mission, honors, graduate plan, then I have a 2-2 1/2 year gap between learning French and actually going to Africa; I was thinking of doing West Africa, since they use French (French is required for Honors). La la la Long story short: I will never graduate! :) Joyful.

Well, there is my life in review.

On my drive home from Adrienne&Nathan's to my place, I was so worried about just up & leaving to go nanny. That doesn't show consistency on a resume. I mean, who the heck just goes to baby-sit kids for a year? Business professionals? Nope. This brought me to the realization that I AM NOT LIVING FOR MY RESUME. Just thinking about doing so exhausts me. 

I love kids. I want to go nanny, dang it! I want to go on a mission, dang it! And maybe I will graduate in longer than I originally planned when entering college, but life is about adaption to situations: think of all the opportunities I am being given in life. That counts for something a resume doesn't reflect. I reflect those experiences. 

11 Things

December 11 – 11 Things: What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

1)     Self-consciousness: Stop seeing myself negatively. My roommates and I are doing this li’l thing, the 10 Day Beauty Challenge that I stumbled upon from a random blog. It’s really time to stop getting so down on myself for so many things. Yes, I want to constantly improve myself, but looking at myself as a huge mistake is probably not the way to go about it.

2)     Facebook obsessiveness. Oh, is this not what every college student needs to eliminate? I have been on a facebook fast for the last two weeks in hopes to boost some final exam scores. Living life actively is far more worthwhile than half-heartedly. Turning that technology off (or limiting my consumption of it) feels empowering.

I hate to admit that this really came from our cupboards.

3)     Laziness. I never thought I was lazy growing up compared to other kids. In my family? Laziest butt for sure (well…coming in second behind Adam, of course. The loafer. And come to think of it… maybe third to Isaac…I’m feeling better about myself every second!). Adrienne & Kristie have always been highly productive, and I feel inadequate in comparison. In school, in extra-curricular, at work…they’ve far surpassed my desire to work hard. I’m finished being lazy. I need to shake that bad habit off.

4)     Poor eating habits.

5)     More careful media: Already I am nerdy about what I do and don’t watch. I think that’s one thing people probably don’t know about me: the reason I don’t watch a lot of television/movies is that I feel like most of them are crap. The morals, language, violence… why would I want that subliminally influencing me? I already have no idea who I am—why add to the confusion? J but still, I want to be even more selective about music—making sure it’s not promoting something I am uncomfortable announcing to the world.

6)     Negative attitude: As dad would quote from Kelly’s Heroes: “Always with the negative ways!” I harbor a negative attitude as a default to buffer me from being affected by feelings.

7)     People hating: When people around me are having fun and I’m not.  I should probably stop that and be a good person again. Probably.

8)     Current study skills.

9)     Apathy: One of the most beautiful things in life is the ability to feel an array of emotions, be they excited, discouraged, disappointed, ambitious, or [slightly] annoyed.  

10)  Internal judgments.

Naturally

Naturally I choose the most isolated computer in the library. Oh how I hate people when I am in disgusting avocado crap-smeared sweats.

plus a li'l bit of

gives you

(except I have sweats, not a suh-weet dress)

All life halts for finals and cleaning checks

...ABOUT how I feel...5 more full days.

Stop the showering, laundry, dishes, vacuuming (not that I did it before), eating, sleeping, looking like a person. No time to fill the car with gas, keep my bed made, attempt to look feminine, wonder how my breath smells. Certainly no movies, laughter, playing, or midnight grocery runs. You need a light bulb to replace the ones that have been burnt out for the last 3 weeks or you'll fail cleaning check? Well, hurry and find one. Time is a' tickin'. Don't waste it, because every minute you spend in la-la-land is a minute less for studying for your final. That minute less accumulates and will snowball to mean making or breaking your grade.

I swear I'll start living next week! My life-list is a mile long, starting with sleep. The things I'll do once finals are finished:

1. Take a nap and feel completely okay about it
2. Clean the apartamenta...again
3. Figure out Christmas presents
4. Watch "Everything You Want"
5. Read "Les Mis"
6. Catch up my journal
7. Throw away useless papers from last semester
8. Evaluate this last year as a whole
9. Evaluate this SEMESTER and decide how to improve for next
10. Work out/run every day
11. Pick up a hobby
12. Find a skill I can develop
13. Scrapbook
14. Do something with all my Africa pics & memories before they fade
15. Update my life's to-do list

final teenage year

December 9 – Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? 

Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. 

Originally, I thought this prompt was lame-o: I don't party. That's not my cup of tea. I'd given up on this idea of following this blog thing: I'll blog when I want to, and on the topic I choose.

But then I remembered a party this last year; a rockin' party: hosted by my seester, Adrienne. It was my birfday party--19 grand years old. My birthday fell on a Sunday, for which I thought it was super lame: you can't celebrate on a Sunday. The day calls for holiness, not craziness--which is what I associate with a party. 

But we did, and it was a simple, fun party: Adrienne offered to make the cake and asked what kind I'd like. I actually... hate cake. But I had a BETTER idea: a rice crispy cake!!! Adrienne was quite repulsed by the idea, but being a kind sister she made it anyway. 

A couple close friends attended: Parker, Chris, Jeff, Paul, Brant, Tiffany, Michelle... a really neat evening at apt 18. Adrienne, doubting the preference for rice crispies, made a real cake for the "normal" people. 

Let's just say there were a lot of rice crispies left over for us afterwards!

Little blessings

Life is funny.
Today I was in the library studying for long-anticipated finals. I was using my laptop, but for some reason, I could not connect to the internet. I was a little frazzled by this; last night at our apt I had had similar problems. Last night I had tried to talk myself out of annoyance by saying that maybe it was a little nudge to disconnect from all the technological distractions in my life. Similarly today,when I felt myself getting annoyed I wondered if maybe this was a gentle reminder to focus on studying. (I have a tendency to get distracted listening to music online...)
Lessons to be learned everywhere. Unplug the cord!

I is PURDY

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

I thought about sending out a poll to my top 10 fans asking them what I do that "lights them up", but I decided that: 

     (1) I don't have top 10 fans, and 

     (2) that sounds a little creepy.

Firstly, I categorize myself as probably in the category of top 10 weird people I know. Then again, I think everyone has quirks, but I think others are better at masking those quirks which could be seen to the naked eye as faults. I, however, choose to flaunt them almost in defiance to those too scared to show their true selves, in order to ensure that people know they are getting the real me. 

Why I am potentially weird.  I mean different. Actually, I think the proper term used today is "challenged.":

• I can go to movies by myself. I have.
• I'll talk to strangers sitting by or around me about whatever I want. For the most part, I don't care what they think of me because I think everyone secretly wants to be friends with people around them, but are too scared to try.
• "If Cecilly doesn't have on at least 5 colors, she's chronically depressed," is something my mom says that describes my wardrobe style: all color. But also matching. Someone in my ward (a BOY, at that) told me, "You're always MATCHING. I love it!" I am pretty OCD about matching everything from socks, hair treats, shirts, overshirts, undershirts, jewelry, and sometimes... well.... nevermind! ha ha
• When in public, I am prone to make quirky sounds, give interesting (not to be confused with interestED, although I give those too) looks, and have odd mannerisms. I have an inability to care how people judge me. Really, I don't mind what they say because I know I'm pretty cool.... just sayin'. Cool like igloos. And those... they're pretty cool.
• I secretly love children's books. Oh my gosh do I love them. 

• "You are Special" -Max Lucado
• The Little Miss Books
• Dr. Seuss. He's a genius.
• I think I kinda have an uncanny knack for putting a positive spin on things. Example: if it's butt freezing cold outside, I try not to comment on the weather or how cold it is. Instead, I say something like, "Man, I'm dying of heat!!!" to alleviate the discomfort I know we are all feeling. I could say how cold I am, but that's so obvious. DUH we're cold. It's .0 degrees outside.

 

Through 19 years of life (and only about 4 of those I can consider myself a rational being), I have reached a conclusion that I'm not normal. I don't know what gives it away, either. But that's okay because I is PURDY!!! :)

In conclusion, my two favorite words/phrases I think define me:

~*C'est la vie!*~

*~giggles~*

Dizzy

My life is really happening fast,a nd sometimes I get dizzy just living.

Love it.

She was my FAVORITE "Little Miss."

 For instance: today was my all-class day: quizzes, readings, homework assignments filled my day. I had the joy of playing with Neltje and Jeff for devo. Neltje...easily my besty. We just get along so well. Say what we need/want. No reservations. We do need to work on our publicly mature side, but we'll get there. When it's just us, we can be mature and real. When we get even one other person around us, we feel this unsaid need to act 21.6 times as crazy as we normally are, and this results only in fits of giggles, weird noises, and tongues hanging out. Oh, and YouTube video quotes.

Our favs? Harvard Sailing Team. Kid History. Penelope-SNL.

Anyway, the work followed school. Ward party tagged behind work.

Meet Cecilly.

I got home after the tiring Ward Party and lay in my bed for about 10 minutes, just attempting to relax my mind. But college minds never sleep. No, no... rather, I had thoughts of the Jr. Core, finals, assignments, maybe sorta possibly boys, grad school, mission, spirituality, cleanliness/sanitation of our apt, decorations, aspirations, disappointments, dead laptops, broken phones... all this ran through my mind during my minutes of "peace." I got up to go to campus and just got dizzy. Not necessarily dizzy I'm-going-to-pass-out dizzy, but dizzy tired-of-everything dizzy.


Subsequently, I put in two hours at the library before calling it a night and [hopefully] letting my mind actually rest. We'll see about that.

Bring it all in

December 7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

Lugazi, Uganda became my community. I'm not a huge fan of this "online community" stuff, although blogging has brought me in closer contact with former friends. 

I want to connect better with my family community; I have never really been super tight with them, and this is something I hope to change. I want to be able to call any given family member at any moment and have a normal conversation about whatever we have on our mind. Right now sometimes I feel limited by calling only for necessity. We don't give each other enough time. Honestly, I feel that social networking detracts from the familial relationship I hope to really enjoy. Yes, technology will help facilitate access to each other, but not strengthen the ties: we have to do that. Which, I think, is what makes the goal a GOAL: we have to want it. It's not a matter of hopping on facebook and writing on each other's walls: it's a matter of wanting to and doing that in addition to real-life things. 

Isaac gets home in a couple months. I hope to connect with him better. 

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

I rid myself of the thinking that I am unchangeable. I used to believe that if I changed, I was at fault for not staying true to myself and what I felt I was. For example: I used to dress quite obnoxiously--last Fall semester (October/November 2009) I was always wearing radical attire and unconsciously trying to draw attention to myself. Changing my mind on something as simple as what I wear has been a challenge, but something I have done. When I put on more toned colors, I really do feel a tinge of sadness that I have to grow up, but somehow I feel right about allowing myself to change and grow. 

I let go of this "change=wrong" mentality because to fight change is useless: change is inevitable. Whether it be change of housing, roommates, attitude, desires, likes, dislikes, hobbies, friends, social life, perspective... change will come. I had to let go of the idea that I will be tomorrow who I was yesterday, and that if I do change, I am committing a crime against myself. 

I also wanted to change. I felt an innate desire to let myself progress, and I couldn't do that if I didn't let go of the best friendship I had with Malynne, of a former crush whom I will never have, or let go of the idea that I didn't want to date my then boy best friend. 

Get Your Merry On

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

Note: This is NOT my sign; I'm too lazy to get out my camera, take, and upload a pic. Nope. Not happening tonight.

I made a vinyl lettering sign for my apt Christmas tree which reads: "Get Your Merry On." Love it. I enjoyed sanding the wood, then painting several layers of white on top of the smoothness. The words are vinyl lettering, and I have a lovecrush on Cricket machines.

I want to make a video camera I can record every moment of every day on. I heart life.

Contentment

 You know when you just feel so happy you want to cry from joy? I feel that way. Everything in life is going so perfectly well: 

• I was accepted into the business school (the reason I came to BYU)
• My roommates are...amazing. We are all learning and growing so much together every day of our lives. I am blessed to be surrounded everyday by such crazy, thoughtful, kind people.
• Social life is going so swell! I stop by apt. 12 prolly 4 times a week, and I feel so at home there: heck, I sleep on their couch even if no one is home! Freaks Jake out a li'l bit, but Josh likes me warming his bed. (the couch!! His bed is the COUCH!!!! Don't you get all judgin' on me.) Going along with social life, we play with apt. 24 a little bit. Jeff is also becoming a better friend. I admire so much who he is, and he is the type of friend who pushes me to excel. I appreciate him. 

"He has a very Greek god look to him." -Neltje about Jeff


Tonight Neltje, Ames, Jeff, and I went ice skating. It was SUPPOSED to be Ugly Sweater somethin', so we got all gung ho and purchased hideouneous sweaters from D.I. Yeah, we were the only 4 out of 527 students sporting our epic sweaters. We shared confessions of all our previous sins. Joyfully scandalacious. :) 

Start wonderin'

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

What kind of prompt is that?? HOW did I cultivate wonder? .. I don't get the prompt.... How would you? By... not being an idiot..? This prompt sucks. Altering it for my own pleasures again: What WAS my sense of wonder in life this year? 

I wonder at how complex the world really is. We are so much more connected to everyone than we think or even want to recognize. I wonder how...I can't go more than 4 hours without feeling hungry. I just wonder about life. And people. What are people thinking??

Tots and late night chats

Last night was an interesting one at our apt. We all went to the relief society activity, submitted the lamest (is that EVEN a word? "w" for "whatevs") White Elephant gifts (candy from Neltje's purse. Oops we forgot to bring presents), then spent an hour or two in primarily silence. That was the weird part. Usually we are bouncing off the walls, hucking things at each other, or screaming so loudly in a challenge to break the sound barrier. But we were just...quiet... and it was...PLEASANT. You don't have to be going a bajillion miles an hour to be a useful member of society. Who even knew?

The night progressed and we turned on Thumbelina because Ames wanted to. I was going to update my blog during the movie, but I just felt so... desensitized. Why not watch a movie without trying to knock three things off the to-do-list? I need to really enjoy those slow moments when they come instead of bombarding my life incessantly with tasks every minute of every day. If I learn to be productive in the time I set aside for productivity, I can relax during the time I set aside for relaxation. So I turned off the laptop. And turned off my phone. It honestly did feel relieving to get rid of the ties that keep connected. Sometimes you just need you time. Or to sit and enjoy a cheesy movie with your friends. Genuinely laugh at something without feeling the need to update your 7 most frequented facebook status about it. Live for you. Sure, share moments with people. We love connections. I love when my friend posts a funny quote on my wall. But tell you what, when you cut the digital cords, you really are liberated. I'm glad I kept technology tuned out, because we had a blast making connections from characters into real life. Ames is Thumbelina; Whitney changed identities, Neltje the frog mama, and I landed as the dog.

Neltje and I ran off IN OUR ONESIES to invite Ryan to join our ice skating adventure for the following day. We ended up staying and chatting for about 15 minutes--at which point we realized our tots were done cookin' and if we didn't go home now we risked being locked out (naturally, neither of us had our keys on us). So, with the cost of remaining at apt. 24 high and the benefits dwindling, we scurried home. Tell you what: 'dem tots were GOOD.

Tots bring people together. We had a really neat conversation about being the "real" you, who you show that side to... as well as our thoughts on various topics.

Neltje is becoming a much closer friend. Probably close to that "best friend" status that has been a bit vacant since high school graduation.

Yet again I didn't make it to bed until 2:30. Love life.

Moment

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). 

This had taken me all day to ponder over one exact moment which epitomizes my year. It had to be while in Africa--that was understood. But what moment? The nights hanging out talking to our two wonderful cooks? The elderly gorup who clapped and sang at our presence? Rafting the Nile? The days in the sweltering sun walking back to our house on the dirt road? Or perhaps the "boda" (motorcycle) rides from place to place? All these moments filled me with energy, but I need one moment which left me with a wonder for life.

 

Orphanage. Sitting in the dirt. Collin, a boy of about 14, teaching me logrhythms. Drawing words and numbers with a stick in that dirt. Sitting under a towering tree--one of the few providing shade from the sweltering sun. We were at the orphanage that day because we were constructing the chicken coop: the coop would house 200 chicks which could then provide eggs to sell at the local market. That money would send these kids to school.

The work for the day was finished, and we were relaxing in the shade--doing nothing more than enjoying life. Surprisingly, the air felt silent: usually you could hear indistinguishable talking, but right now was silent. But you could feel something in the air: a connection among people. We, the volunteers, were so grateful to be here right now--to  be given this opportunity to possibly change lives. And the kids were grateful to have someone there to care.

As said, Collin was teaching me logrhythms. Me who has the opportunity for an education, me who chose to conveniently snooze through those days in Math 1060. I made a choice not to listen, and now I had to tell Collin that no, I don't know how to do logs. I felt a tinge of... not humiliation, nor was it shame. I felt disappointment in myself for neglecting the opportunity to learn when it was such a simple blessing which some people don't have ready access to.

Sitting under the tree, I felt a nostalgic I'm in Africa moment. Looking around at the lush green trees, seeing the bungalow hut type of housing, watching the kids happily playing despite their ripped clothing, and helping cook food over a fire put life in perspective. All the technological toys sitting back in America don't matter. Being here, at this orphanage with these kids enjoying the breeze across me as Collin teaches trigonometry to me in the dirt... this is what matters. People. Being willing to learn from someone younger than myself and being receptive to what I am being taught--be it mathematics or priorities.

When my procrastinated, direly-needed, midnight shopping list consists of shampoo, conditioner, razor, & deodorant, I know I have hygiene problems.

Day Dos: "Writing"

December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

STOP holding myself back

Confession: This is the type of question which describes why I don't like following these group blogs. I don't GET it. If you have some earth-shattering revelation (or any clue at ALL would be a start), take my hand and guide me in that direction. Or give me a swift kick in the pant-a-roos. 

What do I do each day that doesn't contribute to my "writing"? What "writing"? Blogging? Beats me. I'll tweak the prompt for me: "What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your LIFE — and can you eliminate it?" There we go. Now I'm ready to answer.

I... hold myself back. This isn't a tangible action; it is more internal. But I talk myself out of doing things, whether it be stopping by a random apt and saying hi and make a new friend, or searching for someone who just needs a friendly face, or living up to the fact that I am a daughter of God with unlimited potential. He didn't send me to here to give life a half-shot attempt. He wants me to live it. Try new projects. Dance in front of people. Don't gag when you wear that swimsuit. I hold myself back in so many things because I haven't come to the point where I've stopped caring what other people say. I cover my mouth when I eat so that people don't notice me eating. Weird things which, in isolation, add up to be humorous quirks, but have underlying fears driving them. I remind myself that I'm pudgy, that I don't have sweet dancing, singing, piano, athletic, or coordination skills. Doesn't matter. Shouldn't matter. 

Not holding back...

Can I eliminate it? Of course. We have the capacity to do anything we set our minds to. Do I want to eliminate it is the better question. I use it as a safety net to fall onto. Hindering myself keeps me from becoming anything too great, from really putting myself out to be disagreed with, maybe disliked, or maybe... just maybe admired. I haven't wanted to, and  honestly am. still deciding if I want to improve myself that drastically. It would take courage. It takes courage to be ambitious. People around may not necessarily want the competition of someone who gets things done and gets it done right. Don't we all feel a little envy for that person whom we perceive as so "perfect"? Don't we sometimes just wish they could slip even a little so that we could have a running shot to be like them? Maybe I'm a cruel person. I try to cease those thoughts, but they creep in. Can't she have one fault that could make me look better? If not, who am I? But life isn't about comparison. It shouldn't be. My happiness should never be a factor of someone's failure. Or their success. So... do I want to eliminate it? Working on it.

Maybe I'm something great. 

I'll live with that philosophy for the week. See how it goes.  

...so not at all...

How?...hmmm.... I want to say cut out negative comments about myself, but they are so much fun in jest. And I don't feel like they truly are the problem. The problem is my negative outlook on the future: the dismal idea of not having a career or family path defined. Who knows what'll happen? Rather than apprehension, I want to look to the future with an eye of adventure. I don't know what will come, but isn't that the ADVENTURE of life? Neltje, my roomie, taught me something from her blog post today "I'm Going to squeeze every last drop out of LIFE:" I realized that life is...well...fantastic, amazing, hard , fun, challenging, stressful, unforgetable... THE BEST THING THAT I COULD EVER HOPE FOR. It's all about what you chose to do in a situation that defines who you are..." Yay Neltje. 

Good-bye holding back...ness...

Something New

I've never done this before: joining a group of bloggers who dedicate one day to each topic. I'm the independent sort: I'll blog when, if, and how I want. If I want it to be a one-line exclamation of my day, so be it. If I choose that today deserves a novel, I'll do it, dang it.

As December rolls around, we all naturally start to look back: what have I accomplished? Have I become a better person in the last 24 months? Have I made decisions I'm proud of? Am I close to the kind of person I want to be? 


Reverb 10 reflects on the last year and manifest what’s next. I'm totally copying this from the website: "Use the end of your year as an opportunity to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead." Sounds hot, huh? Well, here goes. 

Today. Day 1. December 1.

One Word. 

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. 

Prooooofound. Year in one word. I think I'm going to cry from stress; I hate having to choose ONE thing. Pick your favorite this. What is your WORST fear. Definitive questions scare me, because I feel like once I make a decision, I can't go back on it. It becomes word. Final. No changing your initial choice. No room for progression. Terrifies me. And my life probably portrays this: I have difficulty picking and sticking with ANY choice, be it between Meatball Marinara or Italian BMT sandwich at Subway, taking French at 10 or 11, or if I should run the light or not. Impulse purchases: the symbol of my life. 

Reflecting on the year, the main points which stood out were: Malynne getting married, Chris & I dating, Africa--and my new, amazing roommates. I realized that the only reason these were significant were because of emotional connections I had to people. I take for granted how personally invested I am in others.

Malynne getting married was tough at first; I felt that I'd lost a best friend. To replace that friendship "lost," I turned to an already-good friend, Chris. Soon we started dating. I learned so much from that: trust, laughter, priorities... not soon enough I flew off to Africa for the greatest adventure and life-changing experience of my life. I saw poverty. Real poverty. And thinking back on it can make me cry. 

The word I settled on is....

Understand.

To really understand life's events, you have to look into the underneath reasons. Other people's choices. Your own choices. Different perspectives. To really understand, you  have to comprehend the full spectrum of everyone involved: everyone has a story, a motivation, a dedication. Realize you are a part of something bigger, whether it be in Africa or in Provo, Utah. 

Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

Maturity.