Day Dos: "Writing"

December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

STOP holding myself back

Confession: This is the type of question which describes why I don't like following these group blogs. I don't GET it. If you have some earth-shattering revelation (or any clue at ALL would be a start), take my hand and guide me in that direction. Or give me a swift kick in the pant-a-roos. 

What do I do each day that doesn't contribute to my "writing"? What "writing"? Blogging? Beats me. I'll tweak the prompt for me: "What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your LIFE — and can you eliminate it?" There we go. Now I'm ready to answer.

I... hold myself back. This isn't a tangible action; it is more internal. But I talk myself out of doing things, whether it be stopping by a random apt and saying hi and make a new friend, or searching for someone who just needs a friendly face, or living up to the fact that I am a daughter of God with unlimited potential. He didn't send me to here to give life a half-shot attempt. He wants me to live it. Try new projects. Dance in front of people. Don't gag when you wear that swimsuit. I hold myself back in so many things because I haven't come to the point where I've stopped caring what other people say. I cover my mouth when I eat so that people don't notice me eating. Weird things which, in isolation, add up to be humorous quirks, but have underlying fears driving them. I remind myself that I'm pudgy, that I don't have sweet dancing, singing, piano, athletic, or coordination skills. Doesn't matter. Shouldn't matter. 

Not holding back...

Can I eliminate it? Of course. We have the capacity to do anything we set our minds to. Do I want to eliminate it is the better question. I use it as a safety net to fall onto. Hindering myself keeps me from becoming anything too great, from really putting myself out to be disagreed with, maybe disliked, or maybe... just maybe admired. I haven't wanted to, and  honestly am. still deciding if I want to improve myself that drastically. It would take courage. It takes courage to be ambitious. People around may not necessarily want the competition of someone who gets things done and gets it done right. Don't we all feel a little envy for that person whom we perceive as so "perfect"? Don't we sometimes just wish they could slip even a little so that we could have a running shot to be like them? Maybe I'm a cruel person. I try to cease those thoughts, but they creep in. Can't she have one fault that could make me look better? If not, who am I? But life isn't about comparison. It shouldn't be. My happiness should never be a factor of someone's failure. Or their success. So... do I want to eliminate it? Working on it.

Maybe I'm something great. 

I'll live with that philosophy for the week. See how it goes.  

...so not at all...

How?...hmmm.... I want to say cut out negative comments about myself, but they are so much fun in jest. And I don't feel like they truly are the problem. The problem is my negative outlook on the future: the dismal idea of not having a career or family path defined. Who knows what'll happen? Rather than apprehension, I want to look to the future with an eye of adventure. I don't know what will come, but isn't that the ADVENTURE of life? Neltje, my roomie, taught me something from her blog post today "I'm Going to squeeze every last drop out of LIFE:" I realized that life is...well...fantastic, amazing, hard , fun, challenging, stressful, unforgetable... THE BEST THING THAT I COULD EVER HOPE FOR. It's all about what you chose to do in a situation that defines who you are..." Yay Neltje. 

Good-bye holding back...ness...