sacrifice
....(this is scary! I don't know I want to be so open to the blogging world---okay, my "blogging world" probably includes Mom, Adrienne, and Clara. So, hi, guys!)
Over General Conference weekend, I went home to Vernal to visit mom and... just be home during conference. No real reason. When I got there, I remembered that about a week previously I'd gotten a facebook message from a friend from high school. Nathaniel. He was back from his mission for a spell to get "back surgery" (yes, it really was back surgery, Adrienne). When I got to Vernal, I thought what the heck, I'd try and meet up with him. I wanted to be a friend. See how it had gone, see how he was doing. See if he really was home for "back surgery." ha ha ;)Since I had no car, he came over to the house & watched the second Sunday session of conference. No biggie. We talked & whatnot. After the session, though, we got to talking a lot more.
Nathaniel gets me. He reads me like I'm an open book (which, according to mom, I am.) We talked about the kind of people we'd been in high school, where we each wanted our lives to go, etc. Good conversation. I left that day not feeling like the same person I'd been before. It was weird. No, I didn't immediately have a lovecrush on Nathaniel. I just felt different. Introspective. I needed to look at a different part of me he brought out.
For a glimpse, that night I wrote in my journal that: Our conversation left me feeling vulnerable...I feel like Nathaniel sees me in all my weaknesses and wants to bring me up. But will I let him? Or will I harden my crumbling heart and run away in an attempt to piece it together by myself? He broke me, so he'd better help fix this. :) ...I really let down my guard with Nathaniel...Nice, but certainly scary.
Just a hop, skip, and a boatride away I was back in Provo for school the next day. We'd parted with a lingering hug. Lo and behold, the first of many facebook messages awaited my arrival to Provo.
From then on, our pattern was to call each other in off-moments of the day. That week, he was in Lehi baby- and house-sitting while his older sister & her fam took their other kidders to Disneyland. That week was one of trying to coordinate schedules. One lunch date later, I was still unsure. Our phone conversations were great, but actually seeing each other made me feel like a 2nd grader with her first crush. I felt expectations on me. Expectations I placed for something to come of this little turn of events. I felt the timecrunch on us, as well. He'd be going back out some unknown time in the near future.
That Saturday, we were able to spend the afternoon & evening together, finally in one another's company. Remember the analogy of a 2nd grader with a crush? Yes, that was me. Holding to that boy's hand like he might be gone the next day.
Because, in reality, he probably would be.
We played Nertz with Clara. I showed him Africa pics; he let me talk it out. We played Nertz with Marzipan. We went to dinner with Isaac & Rebecca. Such a beautiful day. Every minute was precious, because I knew it probably wouldn't come again. After dinner, off to dessert with Neltje & Carlos. Then, we ended the evening with a movie at Kristie's apartment. Well... mostly ended the evening. :) wink wink
Again, phone calls had to suffice. We had a final lunch date with his seester Martha that Monday when he left the Provo area. I was so shy! Not accustomed to being together still. I mean, really, all we ever did was talk on the phone.
I left that day discouraged in us. Discouraged in my awkwardness. Worry I don't fit in with his family because I'm this sheltered BYU chick who listens to church music in her free time.
Still, we talked.
Sometime or another, something happened....
Two weeks after his visit to Provo area, I made a visit to Vernal.
Yes, to see him.
Irrational? Uh-huh.
Worth it? I do believe.
We made a kite, played at the park, talked under the sky... and yet I still doubted in him. And he could tell. But that boy, oh, that boy just let me think he had no clue.
I worry. It's kind of what I do.
But he doesn't worry. That's kind of what he does.
I had my almost daily freak-out about how I didn't see if we could ever "work out," where he reminded me we don't have to know. maybe we're in each other's life just for now, to somehow shape each other. That thought brings me solace because it doesn't require a mental commitment for now. Too many variables in our equation are unknown. Far too many.
So, I held back and re-built the walls we'd slowly been destroying for weeks. In the meantime, I worried that everything he did was a sign I should be watching for. A sign to turn and run. I still don't understand why, if he saw me slowly destroying him, he wouldn't speak up. I think it's so contrary to his nature to do that.... so, I judged. I held back. I withdrew. The precious time we had was spent on me trying to run away.
We had good times, though! Swinging on the tireswing, unloading the dump trailer of firewood :), cleaning the yard, frisbee with Isaac & Rebecca. Then, the highlight of my weekend, probably: visiting his family. Ironically, he, too, has a brother named Adam and sister-in-law named Melissa. CrAzY. I loved seeing his nieces and little sister. Ages 2ish-6ish. Done. I was so at home running around playing tag, braiding hair, carving pupkins, eating, and then cuddling up next to Nathaniel whilst we watched "Sabrina." (Harrison Ford).The next day, I searched Singles Ward for him, but alas, sleep debt had to be repaid. I was disappointed and consequently a turd. He came over during dinner as we wordlessly watched Criminal Minds. Then, I started packing to leave. Our last good-bye was hardly... lengthy? deep?
I haven't known what to think all along.
I still don't.
But, when he said he was going back out on the mission come this next Monday, I think my heart stopped.
I'll move on. But, I do believe my heart got stuck somewhere between here and him.
Comments