not as ready

this break has been therapeutic. in my time at home, I've had the chance to not just sleep till ungodly hours and lounge in pj's, but also catch up with several close friends. the open honesty close friendships bring is wholly fulfilling. I feel like I've come to know myself exponentially better over this break than I have four months at school, strictly through the course of talking with these friends.

I realized I'm not as ready for things as I thought I was. I got to talking about the favored topic: relationships. Lately I guess I got to thinking that I'm so ready, that I could totally have a successful relationship with someone. In talking with my friend, though, I realized my unpreparedness.

I still have that feeling inside me that there's gotta be something more. More than the humdrum of reading textbooks and cleaning dishes. I hope I can find satisfaction in vacuuming, doing dishes, and running a household. the thought makes me restless.

I just... am so afraid to stop going. Over this break, I've seen how being physically lazy leaves me mentally drained--and I've done nothing. Being exhausted because I'm going a million miles an hour is much more fulfilling than doing nothing, having no results, and yet being tired through laziness.

I'm afraid that I'd settle. Afraid that I'd be blinded by the thrill of being liked and liking someone that I wouldn't consider what's important. This fear is pretty irrational, seeing that I can't have a light-hearted conversation if my life depended on it.

I've become stagnant, and I'm so sick of it. Just waiting, watching, waiting some more to feel whole. The more I wait, the more of myself I lose. 

On some lighter notes, 

I love the Jack Johnson genre of music, but haven't found one single song of his I actually like. still don't know what genre that is described as, and for once I don't want to find out. I'd rather be undefined in that way. if you ask what music I like, I'll claim country, no matter what. (which is true).

my first attempt at cinnamon rolls proved to be.....a success! I held my breath as the dough didn't seem to be rising, but all turned out well. Solid.

I'm going to the singles ward New Years Eve dance tonight, for better or for worse. I'm somewhat questioning this decision now... (1) I don't particularly have a crush on dances, (2) Vernal people.

I need to finalize my year by writing my summary and lessons learned! perhaps I'll publish it; we'll see. :)

my mind is wandering back overseas. africa.

that drizzle

you know that feeling when you turn the shower head on and the water sprays out of it, almost scaring you?

today when I turned on the shower and was frightened (as per usual) by that jet of water, I thought that after 12 years of showering I should probably be accustomed to it, yet it still catches me off guard.

I thought about this throughout the duration of my shower, and wondered how many showers I've had in my lifetime. (This is the inner Cecilly nerd shining through, btw.)

Note: mathematical calculations approaching: Assuming that I started showering at age 8 and showered somewhere between every other day and every day (we'll call it 0.7), that totals to 3,321 showers. that includes Africa cold bucket-water showers, mind you. ;)

just something to think about.

time

it came time to change the look of my blog.
but it's more than that.

it's me starting over.

I'm ready to start 2012 powerfully. this year will be the best year of my life, I'm sure of it. I feel it.

I don't know what it brings.

I think a mission.
I hope a mission.
I hope some fun dating.
I hope experiences and memories to last a lifetime.
I hope lots of blogging.
I hope drawing closer to my sisters.
I hope maturity.

starting anew is invigorating. no lines have been drawn as to the limits of accomplishment. truly, I am the only one to hold myself back. And I pray that I won't. I pray I can learn to trust in Heavenly Father's plan for my life and make Him proud.

do they?

I have a perplexing question on my mind: do best friends win? 

I mean the kind of "win" where something unforeseen comes from a friendship. wink wink nudge nudge. ;)

I used to believe that yes, best friends always win in the end, but I've been jaded, I suppose, to think that if two people become best friends, some  unspoken bond is made that halts them from crossing the line into something more.

I suppose it's no matter, but there are just some gem people whom I would love to entertain the idea of something more with, but we're currently just "best friends." Rather than feel shame or embarrassment at vocalizing myself, I am more pleased that life isn't too scary to tackle. If I have something to say, you'd better believe I'll say it: life's too short!

Abbie's wedding was fabulous this last week; I stayed with a man-friend down there, hence where these thoughts stem from. I learn to be okay with how things are, even though I do actually wish for something more. I won't get my hopes up, and I will steer clear of the thought that best friends always win.

sleigh ride: Christmas break tidbits

Singing along to "My Turn on Earth"

Elliott's laughter

Reuniting with best friends

didyoo know: Disney opens the vault for their Disney classics once every SEVEN years??
didyoo know: "Webelos" (like Webelos scouts) means "We'll be loyal [scouts]"??

going running with mom's iPod and listening to "Backstreet Boys"

beginning to learn guitar

~~~to be continually updated~~~