not as ready

this break has been therapeutic. in my time at home, I've had the chance to not just sleep till ungodly hours and lounge in pj's, but also catch up with several close friends. the open honesty close friendships bring is wholly fulfilling. I feel like I've come to know myself exponentially better over this break than I have four months at school, strictly through the course of talking with these friends.

I realized I'm not as ready for things as I thought I was. I got to talking about the favored topic: relationships. Lately I guess I got to thinking that I'm so ready, that I could totally have a successful relationship with someone. In talking with my friend, though, I realized my unpreparedness.

I still have that feeling inside me that there's gotta be something more. More than the humdrum of reading textbooks and cleaning dishes. I hope I can find satisfaction in vacuuming, doing dishes, and running a household. the thought makes me restless.

I just... am so afraid to stop going. Over this break, I've seen how being physically lazy leaves me mentally drained--and I've done nothing. Being exhausted because I'm going a million miles an hour is much more fulfilling than doing nothing, having no results, and yet being tired through laziness.

I'm afraid that I'd settle. Afraid that I'd be blinded by the thrill of being liked and liking someone that I wouldn't consider what's important. This fear is pretty irrational, seeing that I can't have a light-hearted conversation if my life depended on it.

I've become stagnant, and I'm so sick of it. Just waiting, watching, waiting some more to feel whole. The more I wait, the more of myself I lose. 

On some lighter notes, 

I love the Jack Johnson genre of music, but haven't found one single song of his I actually like. still don't know what genre that is described as, and for once I don't want to find out. I'd rather be undefined in that way. if you ask what music I like, I'll claim country, no matter what. (which is true).

my first attempt at cinnamon rolls proved to be.....a success! I held my breath as the dough didn't seem to be rising, but all turned out well. Solid.

I'm going to the singles ward New Years Eve dance tonight, for better or for worse. I'm somewhat questioning this decision now... (1) I don't particularly have a crush on dances, (2) Vernal people.

I need to finalize my year by writing my summary and lessons learned! perhaps I'll publish it; we'll see. :)

my mind is wandering back overseas. africa.