a summer of irresponsibility

this summer has proven to be one of my greatest failures. 

what do I mean?

french. 

physical health.

sleeping.

punctuality. well... nothing new here.

being a good friend.

becoming a better person.

sticking to deadlines.

keeping my word.

doing dishes.

keeping my room from looking like a warzone. 

paying rent on time. ten days late isn't too bad...right?

being honest. with myself. with others. in general.

I still beat myself up for taking a risk and having it kinda, sorta, maybe blow up in my face. I may or may not be secretly heartbroken about the way things have changed.

I don't know why, but my zest for learning is diminishing. I attribute it to being "burned out," and I hope that's all. I just want to get from one day to the next and get through my check-list. And that's not me. That's not Cecilly. I'm confused.

When I've tried to show people that I do care, I feel like I get used for that and it goes unappreciated. So the walls go up. The walls that keep me in and others out. 

I look into the future, and I'm filled with a tinge of fear, realizing I don't actually know where I want to go, what I want to become.... 

Yes, life was easier when you could curl up and sleep with your teddy bear.