Is this what I want??

Growing up, in junior high, high school, and in early college, I thought that I would one day have an epiphany moment and just KNOW what I wanted to do for work. That thought was tied to the expectation that I’d be a stay-at-home mom. I didn’t really think to think of a different career path. 

Fast forward to the impending college graduation three months away where I hadn’t had that epiphany moment yet and needed to make a decision and do something. So I made a choice that seemed pretty solid, with enough career growth opportunities down the line. 

Three years later I found myself asking myself, “is this what I want?” frequently enough to know that it wasn’t.

So I made the choice to switch to a foreign career path {for me} and figured... why not do it in a foreign country while I was at it? 

A month into being here in China, I’ve found myself asking myself again “is this what I want??” 

This question has prompted a lot of soul-searching and hitting some pretty meta topics, including but not limited to:


I realized that my job doesn’t wholly define who I am. 


It doesn’t need to. It shouldn’t. It won’t. It can’t. 

I’ve been searching to find a job that fulfills me in every way and that I can use to define myself. That search has led me in frustrating circles with ultimately no career emerging as “the one” that could define me. 

From the beginning of college to now, I was searching for a career that would somehow let me off the hook for developing ME outside work. It’s so much easier to throw all of who I am into work and be able to say “look! This is me. My work here. See, this is me.” It’s a lot harder {and, ahem, here comes Brene Brown. I was wondering how long it would take until she entered the picture} and a lot more vulnerable to say... “look. This is what I do for work. I enjoy it for ya ya ya reasons. And look, over here, this is who I am.” 


My work and I are not mutually exclusive in defining who I am. 

I love how layered that statement is.

I love it because the underlying reason I felt an extreme desire to bury my identity in my work was, going back full circle to what younger me always thought my life’s work would be—being a full-time-mom—when that wasn’t happening {ahem isn’t happening}, I felt inadequate. Like I wasn’t enough. Like I couldn’t be anything as worthwhile and fulfilling as that. So I tried to do a 180 and at least build a reputable career. But then I felt like a square peg in a circle hole, since I was trying to become my work without feeling like it was an accurate portrayal of who I was.



But, as I’m now very recently embracing, {s’more Brene Brown}, I am enough. 

It’s also enough {for me} to lean into new work and realize that it’s okay if I don’t feel like my job is 💯% me, because my job isn’t all of me. I can enjoy my work and lean into developing skills that will help me succeed and become better, while enjoying even only parts of my overall job. But if I don’t wholly identify with my job, that’s okay. Because I am a person outside my work. 



And I am enough.