Move on?
Being back from Africa is not how I envisioned. Sure, sure, I expected what I casually called "culture shock:" learning to drive on the right side of the road rather than left, eat with utinsels rather than my hands, walk around in blissful invisibility rather than that of a sore thumb. I no longer wriggle to escape little kids' dirty hands and gorgeous li'l Matheus faces.
For the last couple nights I've dreamed of Africa and being back there. Each morning I wake up, feeling a little lost and disoriented about what it is I'm going to occupy my mind and time with that comes even close to rivaling the spectacular summer I've had. I've been in such a negative, grouchy mood; feeling like I don't have a real purpose anymore. Often, I stop walking and just look at everything around me, waiting for some big screen over the world to lift and make everything make sense. I have on colored glasses, but they surely aren't rose-colored. I just don't understand how we, the some-odd 30,000 students, can all walk around in our hunky-dory, self-absorbed, dramatic lives and not wonder what more is out there. Not yearn and itch to be a part of something greater than ourselves.
My classes occupy the empty hours of my mind. Pity-me attitude aside, I really do enjoy them--now that I've actually GOT a set schedule. I took the first three days of classes to really map out what I want, and gauge the classes and the teachers. I went to one class--Doctrine & Covenants. I was a couple minutes late because I ran into one of my friends from Africa (seeing them on campus is a GODSEND--we're all still a little weird adjusting!), so I was seriously 3 minutes late. The auditorium was packed when I got in, and so I went around to a different door. (Note: I still had my braids/dred-looking hair, so to go anywhere I kind of made a scene.) I walked up about 5 rows, had to shimmy in to get into a seat in the middle of the row, because some people are so nice and like to sit on the very END! The teacher says in a corny soothing SOMETHING voice: "And could we have *so and so* give us an opening prayer and really pray for the spirit to be here with us today?" Maybe I'd had a long day, but I just looked at the teacher for aboooout a total of three seconds, then squeezed out of my row and got the HECK out of there, went and dropped the class, and started searching for a new class to fill the new opening in my schedule.
I just really prefer fun, spunky teachers. Like my Survey of World Religions professor! Alonzo Gaskill, the COOLEST dude EVER!!!
A girl in one of my classes is named Joyce. When she said her name, I didn't see her, but rather the face of little Joyce from Rose & Paul's orphanage. Joyce and her timid smile. Then her brother, Amos, and her...I mean his... rough laugh. And I just want to cry a little bit and go back to the orphanage, back to the kids, back to the memories where going m pola m pola is the fastest speed and I can go eat gonjas and chapatti for breakfast, and put yummy, fresh avocados on them...
In talking to a good friend (Parker of the Huber clan) last night, I downloaded a little bit of my troubles adjusting, and he told me how it's like coming back from a mission: you have a different purpose. For several days, I've been a little lost puppy, just trying to get through the day. My classes, like I said, occupy my mind, but when I'm not in a lecture, I don't know what to do with myself. That's not to say I need more tasks, because my to-do list is actually quite lengthy, and just seems to be growing. I don't feel prepared to meet the challenges--or even tasks--that await me. My approach to time is so skewed; I've gone so slow for so long--taking a break when the rain started pouring, walking and talking slower than I prefer... but that became my way of life. So now. Now I have so many classes, people, places, events demanding my time and attention. I have never been as emotional as I have been this week. Weird things bring up emotions--then the choked throat, with tears inevitably following. Someone says the word poverty, dirt road, Africa, orphan, third-world, "I'm hungry" (my thoughts say: How can you be hungry? You've eaten 3 meals a day for at least 18 years of your life). Poverty is the most difficult word to hear. I just look at the person in my geography or international development class and really wonder if they know poverty. So easily they just say, "Yeah, so, like, poverty is the biggest problem in the world.... y'know." Smacking gum, carrying a laptop, wearing new clothes. I pain. I just look at that person and really wonder if they do know.
Kristie and I are doing more fun activities together, and I have thoroughly enjoyed watching over her as an older sister figure. I have never been that way with Kristie, because she always seemed to be five steps ahead of me in life! But now... I actually have things to teach her, tell her, activities to do with her... and I am so grateful and happy to!
For the last couple nights I've dreamed of Africa and being back there. Each morning I wake up, feeling a little lost and disoriented about what it is I'm going to occupy my mind and time with that comes even close to rivaling the spectacular summer I've had. I've been in such a negative, grouchy mood; feeling like I don't have a real purpose anymore. Often, I stop walking and just look at everything around me, waiting for some big screen over the world to lift and make everything make sense. I have on colored glasses, but they surely aren't rose-colored. I just don't understand how we, the some-odd 30,000 students, can all walk around in our hunky-dory, self-absorbed, dramatic lives and not wonder what more is out there. Not yearn and itch to be a part of something greater than ourselves.
My classes occupy the empty hours of my mind. Pity-me attitude aside, I really do enjoy them--now that I've actually GOT a set schedule. I took the first three days of classes to really map out what I want, and gauge the classes and the teachers. I went to one class--Doctrine & Covenants. I was a couple minutes late because I ran into one of my friends from Africa (seeing them on campus is a GODSEND--we're all still a little weird adjusting!), so I was seriously 3 minutes late. The auditorium was packed when I got in, and so I went around to a different door. (Note: I still had my braids/dred-looking hair, so to go anywhere I kind of made a scene.) I walked up about 5 rows, had to shimmy in to get into a seat in the middle of the row, because some people are so nice and like to sit on the very END! The teacher says in a corny soothing SOMETHING voice: "And could we have *so and so* give us an opening prayer and really pray for the spirit to be here with us today?" Maybe I'd had a long day, but I just looked at the teacher for aboooout a total of three seconds, then squeezed out of my row and got the HECK out of there, went and dropped the class, and started searching for a new class to fill the new opening in my schedule.
I just really prefer fun, spunky teachers. Like my Survey of World Religions professor! Alonzo Gaskill, the COOLEST dude EVER!!!
A girl in one of my classes is named Joyce. When she said her name, I didn't see her, but rather the face of little Joyce from Rose & Paul's orphanage. Joyce and her timid smile. Then her brother, Amos, and her...I mean his... rough laugh. And I just want to cry a little bit and go back to the orphanage, back to the kids, back to the memories where going m pola m pola is the fastest speed and I can go eat gonjas and chapatti for breakfast, and put yummy, fresh avocados on them...
In talking to a good friend (Parker of the Huber clan) last night, I downloaded a little bit of my troubles adjusting, and he told me how it's like coming back from a mission: you have a different purpose. For several days, I've been a little lost puppy, just trying to get through the day. My classes, like I said, occupy my mind, but when I'm not in a lecture, I don't know what to do with myself. That's not to say I need more tasks, because my to-do list is actually quite lengthy, and just seems to be growing. I don't feel prepared to meet the challenges--or even tasks--that await me. My approach to time is so skewed; I've gone so slow for so long--taking a break when the rain started pouring, walking and talking slower than I prefer... but that became my way of life. So now. Now I have so many classes, people, places, events demanding my time and attention. I have never been as emotional as I have been this week. Weird things bring up emotions--then the choked throat, with tears inevitably following. Someone says the word poverty, dirt road, Africa, orphan, third-world, "I'm hungry" (my thoughts say: How can you be hungry? You've eaten 3 meals a day for at least 18 years of your life). Poverty is the most difficult word to hear. I just look at the person in my geography or international development class and really wonder if they know poverty. So easily they just say, "Yeah, so, like, poverty is the biggest problem in the world.... y'know." Smacking gum, carrying a laptop, wearing new clothes. I pain. I just look at that person and really wonder if they do know.
So, here I sit at my computer at work, wishing for my shift to end. I went through several days of intensely loathing my job, calling people and asking for money. Where's the fulfillment in that? Absent, that's where.
Now I've cut on hours so I can really focus on school, where at least I feel passionate. And maybe I'll find a way to save the world or something in my spare moments.
But, I must say: I've felt so social towards old friends, currently running on what I nicknamed friend reserves. I don't have the mental energy to develop new friendships, so I HIGHLY prefer to renew the old ones. I feel half-bad, because I don't care about making friendships with my roommates, but I feel a sense of dread for the 4 months I have to spend in that apartment. I don't want to look back with regrets, but I don't feel compelled to become their friends. I tell myself to give it a week, then I'll feel better about it. But I avoid my apartment, living like a little troll. But, I must say, I am really getting to know people that I knew only a little bit previously.
Kristie and I are doing more fun activities together, and I have thoroughly enjoyed watching over her as an older sister figure. I have never been that way with Kristie, because she always seemed to be five steps ahead of me in life! But now... I actually have things to teach her, tell her, activities to do with her... and I am so grateful and happy to!
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