being good vs. looking good

Lately I've picked up a [desireable] habit of attempting to look feminine. My vanity is fed by the thrill I get of going to campus and actually getting double-takes. Sometimes smiles. Sometimes something so simple as a name and interest to meet again.

Yeah, fine and dandy. Feel pretty. Yay.

I must admit that I feel so detached from Cecilly. Normal Cecilly is just plain and simple... doesn't feed her confidence and ego off other people's comments or interests. Believes in herself. In her abilities.
A fraction of my  heart breaks--I feel that I need to change myself to merit validation. As if Cecilly just isn't enough. I need to be professional. Stifled under this pretense of professionalism and maturity is Cec yearning to be able to have fun. To feel guiltless going out to play at night instead of a strict schedule of the gym, homework, and work.

I feel like I'm always looking around to see how other's "rate" me. Am I smart enough? Pretty? Cute?

I'm so over it. Sick of the stupid mold. This life is my life. Unselfishly mine, but it's mine, nonetheless. If you have an expectation of me, feel free to submit it. I'll think about it for about two seconds and decide if I want to live up to it. Otherwise, I'm going to go back to what made Cecilly happy: being free. Being fun.