I'm a lot of things right now

My brother Adam and I were talking on facebook, and the conversation went something like this:



Adam: "Are you stoked?" [about a mission]
Me: "I am. I'm tired. I'm ready. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm a lot of things right now.I still can't believe that it's happening."


Let's expound on that. 

Stoked seems like a slang word choice for a mission Usually I'm stoked to go to the lake or stoked to go on a road trip. While a mission is certainly a wild adventure, and worth being "stoked" for, it's underlying purpose is perhaps too peaceful to fall under the category of "stoked."


Tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of being in that sorta kinda awkward in-between. A little tired of reassuring people that yes, I still am excited and that no, I'm not going to just change my mind and not go. Tired of anticipating it. 


Ready. I've felt like I was in limbo since February 22nd. (day I got my mission call). I then knew when I was going to leave, so although I tried to stay checked in to real life, I somehow mentally started distancing myself from my surroundings. There would be nothing to stop me from being prepared to go. So, I'm ready also in the sense of wanting to hit PMG, continue learning, teaching, growing, changing. I'm ready. I just want to gooooooo!!!!! 


Scared. I'd be a liar if I omitted this emotion. I'm scared to be stuck with a girl 24/7. Estrogen overload? Probably. I'm scared to not learn like I hope to, to not teach well, to not grow up emotionally and spiritually, to not change into a better person. It will be rough. There will be embarrassing moments, and I wish to apologize to the world now for my lack of enthusiasm for those moments to occur. Spanish hopefully comes. Couple that with teaching lessons, and yeah, my stomach does somersaults.  


Excited. This is.... everything... I've waited for. Seriously, since I was in seminary I started to want to serve a mission. And now the time is here. I'm... honored to teach His gospel, to wear a name badge representing Him. I'm ... overcome with anticipation at the thought of learning Spanish and interacting with the people of Honduras. I just want the time to be now! When I think of being excited, those hard moments don't seem so scary. Sure, I will probably suck at teaching lessons at first, but that's okay. I'll probably mess up a lot speaking Spanish, and will probably say some really stupid things. That's the JOY of it all. (see, it's all about attitude: when I think of being scared, I'm scared--no duh, right?-- but when I think of being excited, the same scenarios become exciting & adventurous rather than scary & difficult)


A lot of things right now. I'll be home home a total of 6days, not even consecutively. I wish I could spend more time with mom and dad. I owe so much to them that I can't even begin to repay how grateful I am. I wish I were able to see my siblings more, and spend more time with friends, but c'est la vie. 


We've got our whole lives for that, right? :)