scuffed sneakers

1,2,3

2012-02-12T13:05:00.001-07:00

my feet hit the pavement and in my head I focused on breathing in: 1,2,3; out: 1,2,3. I finally found the enjoyable rhythm of running. I went running both today as well as last night after a successful day: from Wednesday to Friday afternoon, our Wake Forest team (AKA my new family: Tyler, Ryan, Amie) practiced a case. Tell you what, I'm getting beat down of tiredness. but.... c'est la vie! This is the day. Every week we do a practice case, I grow so much as an individual and teammate. Learning to be open-minded, friendly.... and tired. :)

I took a break--treated myself to watching Mentalist, then Lord of the Rings with my WF group. Kay, Lord of the Rings was cool and all, but... wow. really long. maybe I was just more tired than I thought, but it was reaaaaalllly long.

crashed the minute I got home, and slept in to repent of my week of sleeplessness. then.. hit the pavement again.

Clara & I hit up town to get those essentials: the overwhelming nylons aisle, confusing cosmetics, and loving Valentines aisles. When I got home, I was delighted to see my name on a package in the mail. Adrienne, Nathan, and Elliott send a good luck or Wake Forest. I realized how much I love my family. Those little things make a big difference.

So.... 4:30 on a Saturday afternoon and I still haven't touched any homework.

Uh-oh.

beware: funny moment

2012-02-09T00:54:00.005-07:00

I say "beware" because my humor is nerdy.

So, at work I do research studies; we did a study recently that was on food consumption; consequently, we had these little cartons of milk left over. Every day [I'm shufflin']. Just kiddin'. Every day I hit up the work fridge and get me some calcium. Today was no different. drank my li'l milk box and headed to class. In my hands I had my laptop and a thick notebook, so as I went to grab the door, the remaining milk squoze inside the bottle and squirted out all over the door and handle.

I busted a gut. Some kid helped me with the door, but I was just a fit of giggles. As I joined my group in the classroom, I was all laughs.

Today was stellar.

And.... officially submitted to the stake president. Keep you posted!

what love is

2012-02-07T21:41:00.003-07:00

Valentine's Day is approaching, and love is in the air.

Noooooo, not that kind of love. The love I mean is when....

your mom sends you new shoes she bought for herself because you mentioned that your shoes made your feet ache

those shoes mom sent had some small monies in them. :)

when you run with your best friend, she'll run behind you on the track so you can pick a wedgie

(yes, I just announced that on my blog....)

your roommate will stay up with you as you rant & rave about the latest happenings

your sister lets you mooch off her for free laundry services

your best friend invites you to Yogurtland's special deal day thingymajigger

your mom patiently answers the phone when you ask her the seventh cooking question of the day

when your best friend dutifully wakes you up every morning at 7:30 or 8:00 for scripture study

when your sister consistently reads and comments on your blog. ;)

I do TOO exist!

a beautiful case of life

2012-02-05T13:22:00.000-07:00

Sundays are so fabulous....

I woke up a tad earlier than I wanted, but it turned out to be for the best: I got up, showered, chatted with Marzipan (my roommie), and started getting ready.

For what?

This is THE picture. :)

Well... for my picture. Y'know... the one a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles is going to see... no big deal or anything...

This is happening. So surely. Excitedly. I've been mulling for months over this decision, but I started the process once the new year began, knowing the answer would come in the process. And indeed it has. I'm going to serve as a full-time missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Right at this second I feel so content, so happy. I want to capture this moment and draw from it in those dark moments where life seems impossible and difficult. Today I was reading through Nelchie and Adrienne's blogs, and I realized how much I love being a part of others' lives. Talking with mom on the phone. Eating deener with Kristie Krist. Pillow talk with Marzipan. Those in-between life moments with Nelchie. Facebooking Adrienne. Daily life happenings with Clara. Each person adds so much value and understanding to life, and I appreciate every. single. one. of. you.

my goal: blog more. share more. not just say more words, but open up a bit of who I am.

for example: yes, I am decided on serving a full-time mission. does that mean I have considered no other life options? certainly NOT. I've been up the wazoo about this decision. some people *cough cough* return home this year. internships await. graduation is closer than just around the corner. life is moving, constantly going, going, going. someday I'd love to have a li'l Els. :)

but, my focus is here. now. I'm experiencing a beautiful case of life.

powerful wind. brilliant sunsets. sparkling waterfalls.

2012-02-04T16:06:00.000-07:00

I have a lovecrush on life once again.
seems I got in a small, dangerous bout of self-pity.

but, I realized everything I love about life:

7:30 a.m. scripture study with Clara... even if I'm still doped on Nyquil some of the time
Jenica's powerful words: "we're not preparing for life anymore... we're livin it! livin the dream."
Realizing I kinda, sorta love being a nerd in my own *special* way. yes, I do homework on Friday nights... and I genuinely feel happy with life.

Running with Clara & Hilary in the bitter cold...smiles on our faces

Getting creative with making ends meet

Starting to make my journal cute...like old times

Daydreaming

Deciding where I want to work: P&G

Realizing how incredible the experiences I've had while in school are, such as the Boston competition and soon Wake Forest in North Carolina. My excitement runs deep.

Cleaning my room in preparation for the tornado that always runs through it by 10 p.m., only to be cleaned again that same night

The Vow!

Hunger Games!

fRiEnDs

2012-01-30T23:47:00.000-07:00

friends....

wake you up every morning if you're not up for class

travel merrily along telling stories, eating food, and playing music when your car ride becomes smokey with exhaust

teach you guitar

write letters

recommend books

throw marshmallows into your mouth for you to catch

send you a kind note with chocolate covered cinnamon bears just to check up on you

laugh about your accidental butt dials

pay for your dinner at social gatherings when you decline ordering claiming I'm not hungry, when really you're too financially tight

get a life.

2012-01-30T00:29:00.000-07:00

on a ROLL around here! should I be doing my Book of Mormon paper right now? yep. am I? nope. I find blogging much more personally fulfilling for the moment being. Personal identity > homework.

in reading a post written last year, I realized my need to really LIVE. stop trying to be perfect, trying to be professional, la la la. booooooorrrrrrrrrrrriinnnnnnnnnngggggggggg.

firstly, poor Ryan. because we work together, live at the same complex, and are doing Wake Forest together, we joke we're married. Sadly for him, I vent to him like we are. Today at church, I sought his advice on how to live a life of happiness. I wrote a note (very high school of me, I know. Someday I'll consider growing up.)

I asked: "What do you do to get energy?" luckily he didn't refer me to taking drugs or any form of reckless behavior. he probably held back because of the context of being at church.
his reply: "escape from the norm." hmmmmm.......

so, I compiled a list of "things to learn"
piano. guitar. painting. kayaking. racketball. ~lead-climbing (added by Ryan)

next list: "things to do"
AFI's Top 100 movies. Triathlon.

I really do want to have hobbies and get a life.
maybe after I write this Book of Mormon paper I'll add more to my lists....

simplify

2012-01-29T23:25:00.001-07:00

a theme I've been learning from life recently is:

simplify.

life has been going a gazillion miles an hour.

insanity = working as TA 20 hrs. between Monday-Wednesday + 14 credits of senior-level courses + president of Marketing Association (on-campus club) + 17 hrs. weekly Wakeforest prep cases + internship searching + social life + spiritual mission preparation + working out + trying to be kind, especially when stressed + attempting to eat healthfully by prepping food + mental breaks + homework for those 14 credits of senior-level classes + email inbox.

Good friend Ryan pointed out that I like this lifestyle. Which, yes, is certainly true. The complete mental break over Christmas break was too relaxing for me: I feel the need to be on-the-go go!!

Buuuuuuuuut..... I will admit that I am a bit tired.

Okay, I'm kinda really tired. I know this lifestyle is only going to spiral downward until I can't function normally. I don't laugh anymore because I'm too stressed trying to get everything done. By attempting to do everything, I"m accomplishing nothing. Sure, my to-do list is accomplished, but I'm irritable, tired, impatient, and selfish.... I now see the need to simplify.

Wakeforest means so much to me right now: it's an opportunity to represent BYU at a national level and show other schools that BYU is reputable. Our team (Ryan, Tyler, Amie, and I) have been doing practice cases for three weeks to get ready for our case on the company BB&T. This includes getting a business case (a problem) Tuesday, then presenting to faculty every Friday. We've put in many-a-midnight meetings that adjourn at 3 a.m.... all in the name of preparation.

I don't socialize much outside of school, MA, & Wakeforest... not a whole lot of time. Weekends are sleep & homework. I'm not so sure I like that trend. People are so important--and have always been so important to me. I lose myself in every decision to place things above people. My mantra "people are more important than things" has fallen sadly by the wayside.

But, my spirits are lifted by joshua radin pandora radio, mentalist, running, cycle classes at the gym, taking pictures, barefoot walks in the brisk cold, daydreaming, yogurtland, writing in or reading journals, byu bookstore chocolate-covered cinnamon bears, once upon a time, solo piano music, reading scriptures, closing my eyes, and leaving technology at home to go be with people.

Life really isn't complex: I just have made it so by focusing on only myself... a world of one is a lonely place.

coming home

2012-01-02T10:40:00.003-07:00

leaving home to return to school was honestly a little hard. a close friend recently posted how home is where you are--mentally. physical presence doesn't constitute a home, per se. With her perspective in mind, I realized that I have several homes, and that doesn't mean any one competes with the others for specialness points. One home is Vernal. One is Canyon Terrace in Provo. One is St. George. One was CT#29. One was The Colony. One was a little village, Lugazi Nekazade, in Africa. My heart is spread out.

Clothing was rolled into my new carry-on suitcase, books&trinkets were boxed up for the return journey from Vernal to BYU. I ached to stay. I love my Provo home, but being in Vernal was bliss. Literally, a complete break from responsibility. Perhaps I'm a slacker. I hope not. I toiled (now that is a legit word) for four months, and I felt deserving of a two week break.

As dad & I (who, btw, were travelling in style with a huge-mongo camping trailer behind us) entered Provo Canyon, my heartbeat increased. I'm coming home. We passed Riverwoods, the fake tree, then the stadium. Pulling in front of Canyon Terrace was the glorious return I cherish. It's magical here. Putting my key into the door and unlocking my apartment is such a grown-up feeling. It's mine. I pay for it. I love it. Not five minutes after arriving, I was talking and laughing with people from the complex. Yes, coming home indeed.

not as ready

2011-12-30T17:14:00.001-07:00

this break has been therapeutic. in my time at home, I've had the chance to not just sleep till ungodly hours and lounge in pj's, but also catch up with several close friends. the open honesty close friendships bring is wholly fulfilling. I feel like I've come to know myself exponentially better over this break than I have four months at school, strictly through the course of talking with these friends.

I realized I'm not as ready for things as I thought I was. I got to talking about the favored topic: relationships. Lately I guess I got to thinking that I'm so ready, that I could totally have a successful relationship with someone. In talking with my friend, though, I realized my unpreparedness.

I still have that feeling inside me that there's gotta be something more. More than the humdrum of reading textbooks and cleaning dishes. I hope I can find satisfaction in vacuuming, doing dishes, and running a household. the thought makes me restless.

I just... am so afraid to stop going. Over this break, I've seen how being physically lazy leaves me mentally drained--and I've done nothing. Being exhausted because I'm going a million miles an hour is much more fulfilling than doing nothing, having no results, and yet being tired through laziness.

I'm afraid that I'd settle. Afraid that I'd be blinded by the thrill of being liked and liking someone that I wouldn't consider what's important. This fear is pretty irrational, seeing that I can't have a light-hearted conversation if my life depended on it.

I've become stagnant, and I'm so sick of it. Just waiting, watching, waiting some more to feel whole. The more I wait, the more of myself I lose.

On some lighter notes,

I love the Jack Johnson genre of music, but haven't found one single song of his I actually like. still don't know what genre that is described as, and for once I don't want to find out. I'd rather be undefined in that way. if you ask what music I like, I'll claim country, no matter what. (which is true).

my first attempt at cinnamon rolls proved to be.....a success! I held my breath as the dough didn't seem to be rising, but all turned out well. Solid.

I'm going to the singles ward New Years Eve dance tonight, for better or for worse. I'm somewhat questioning this decision now... (1) I don't particularly have a crush on dances, (2) Vernal people.

I need to finalize my year by writing my summary and lessons learned! perhaps I'll publish it; we'll see. :)

my mind is wandering back overseas. africa.

that drizzle

2011-12-30T17:13:00.006-07:00

you know that feeling when you turn the shower head on and the water sprays out of it, almost scaring you?

today when I turned on the shower and was frightened (as per usual) by that jet of water, I thought that after 12 years of showering I should probably be accustomed to it, yet it still catches me off guard.

I thought about this throughout the duration of my shower, and wondered how many showers I've had in my lifetime. (This is the inner Cecilly nerd shining through, btw.)

Note: mathematical calculations approaching: Assuming that I started showering at age 8 and showered somewhere between every other day and every day (we'll call it 0.7), that totals to 3,321 showers. that includes Africa cold bucket-water showers, mind you. ;)

just something to think about.

time

2011-12-27T23:05:00.000-07:00

it came time to change the look of my blog.
but it's more than that.

it's me starting over.

I'm ready to start 2012 powerfully. this year will be the best year of my life, I'm sure of it. I feel it.

I don't know what it brings.

I think a mission.
I hope a mission.
I hope some fun dating.
I hope experiences and memories to last a lifetime.
I hope lots of blogging.
I hope drawing closer to my sisters.
I hope maturity.

starting anew is invigorating. no lines have been drawn as to the limits of accomplishment. truly, I am the only one to hold myself back. And I pray that I won't. I pray I can learn to trust in Heavenly Father's plan for my life and make Him proud.

do they?

2011-12-25T12:47:00.000-07:00

I have a perplexing question on my mind: do best friends win?

I mean the kind of "win" where something unforeseen comes from a friendship. wink wink nudge nudge. ;)

I used to believe that yes, best friends always win in the end, but I've been jaded, I suppose, to think that if two people become best friends, some unspoken bond is made that halts them from crossing the line into something more.

I suppose it's no matter, but there are just some gem people whom I would love to entertain the idea of something more with, but we're currently just "best friends." Rather than feel shame or embarrassment at vocalizing myself, I am more pleased that life isn't too scary to tackle. If I have something to say, you'd better believe I'll say it: life's too short!

Abbie's wedding was fabulous this last week; I stayed with a man-friend down there, hence where these thoughts stem from. I learn to be okay with how things are, even though I do actually wish for something more. I won't get my hopes up, and I will steer clear of the thought that best friends always win.

sleigh ride: Christmas break tidbits

2011-12-17T17:37:00.002-07:00

Singing along to "My Turn on Earth"

Elliott's laughter

Reuniting with best friends

didyoo know: Disney opens the vault for their Disney classics once every SEVEN years??
didyoo know: "Webelos" (like Webelos scouts) means "We'll be loyal [scouts]"??

going running with mom's iPod and listening to "Backstreet Boys"

beginning to learn guitar

~~~to be continually updated~~~

tick tock: where has the time gone?

2011-11-27T23:28:00.001-07:00

Naturally, I only blog during finals. I can't do justice to the last month of growth and change...

journey to Boston where I learned true confidence, working with a diverse team, hard work, patience, and when I just need to let myself learn

new friends from New York, Washington, Ontario... hoping we can all stay in contact, but remembering all the other people I've said that about my whole life

(for those of us underage:)
"where's your fake?"
"uh......" -me

mom: surgery. :(

working like a crazy person to make up for lost time

bidding adieu to Nathaniel... yeah..

work deener parties. at Tucahnos.

work birthday celebrations. Yogurtland, Mountain West Burrito, & Subzero. Keep getting older & wiser.

the beauty of pandora for letting me get a new start when songs hold too many memories

Philadelphia MUN trip: careful who you trust

as I type my blog url into the url bar, I half expect to get to my blog and see a new post. Alas, NOPE!!!

Roommate bonding at 2 a.m.

Boys

No letters :(

Low money

Good food

More gym

Twitter

Christmas decorating

"Sleigh ride" is my favorite Christmas song. (sung by Carpenter's, of COURSE)

Working out is not a decision.

Dancing in the snow.

I love Disney. 'specially Princesses.

Sometimes eating two bowls of cap'n crunch is the best way to get through the night.

sacrifice

2011-11-11T18:32:00.001-07:00

Let me tell you a story. This deviates from my usual blog style, which involves short one-liners describing ambiguous events.

....(this is scary! I don't know I want to be so open to the blogging world---okay, my "blogging world" probably includes Mom, Adrienne, and Clara. So, hi, guys!)

Over General Conference weekend, I went home to Vernal to visit mom and... just be home during conference. No real reason. When I got there, I remembered that about a week previously I'd gotten a facebook message from a friend from high school. Nathaniel. He was back from his mission for a spell to get "back surgery" (yes, it really was back surgery, Adrienne). When I got to Vernal, I thought what the heck, I'd try and meet up with him. I wanted to be a friend. See how it had gone, see how he was doing. See if he really was home for "back surgery." ha ha ;)

Since I had no car, he came over to the house & watched the second Sunday session of conference. No biggie. We talked & whatnot. After the session, though, we got to talking a lot more.

Nathaniel gets me. He reads me like I'm an open book (which, according to mom, I am.) We talked about the kind of people we'd been in high school, where we each wanted our lives to go, etc. Good conversation. I left that day not feeling like the same person I'd been before. It was weird. No, I didn't immediately have a lovecrush on Nathaniel. I just felt different. Introspective. I needed to look at a different part of me he brought out.

For a glimpse, that night I wrote in my journal that: Our conversation left me feeling vulnerable...I feel like Nathaniel sees me in all my weaknesses and wants to bring me up. But will I let him? Or will I harden my crumbling heart and run away in an attempt to piece it together by myself? He broke me, so he'd better help fix this. :) ...I really let down my guard with Nathaniel...Nice, but certainly scary.

Just a hop, skip, and a boatride away I was back in Provo for school the next day. We'd parted with a lingering hug. Lo and behold, the first of many facebook messages awaited my arrival to Provo.

From then on, our pattern was to call each other in off-moments of the day. That week, he was in Lehi baby- and house-sitting while his older sister & her fam took their other kidders to Disneyland. That week was one of trying to coordinate schedules. One lunch date later, I was still unsure. Our phone conversations were great, but actually seeing each other made me feel like a 2nd grader with her first crush. I felt expectations on me. Expectations I placed for something to come of this little turn of events. I felt the timecrunch on us, as well. He'd be going back out some unknown time in the near future.

That Saturday, we were able to spend the afternoon & evening together, finally in one another's company. Remember the analogy of a 2nd grader with a crush? Yes, that was me. Holding to that boy's hand like he might be gone the next day.

Because, in reality, he probably would be.

We played Nertz with Clara. I showed him Africa pics; he let me talk it out. We played Nertz with Marzipan. We went to dinner with Isaac & Rebecca. Such a beautiful day. Every minute was precious, because I knew it probably wouldn't come again. After dinner, off to dessert with Neltje & Carlos. Then, we ended the evening with a movie at Kristie's apartment. Well... mostly ended the evening. :) wink wink

Again, phone calls had to suffice. We had a final lunch date with his seester Martha that Monday when he left the Provo area. I was so shy! Not accustomed to being together still. I mean, really, all we ever did was talk on the phone.

I left that day discouraged in us. Discouraged in my awkwardness. Worry I don't fit in with his family because I'm this sheltered BYU chick who listens to church music in her free time.

Still, we talked.

Sometime or another, something happened....

Two weeks after his visit to Provo area, I made a visit to Vernal.
Yes, to see him.
Irrational? Uh-huh.
Worth it? I do believe.

We made a kite, played at the park, talked under the sky... and yet I still doubted in him. And he could tell. But that boy, oh, that boy just let me think he had no clue.

I worry. It's kind of what I do.
But he doesn't worry. That's kind of what he does.
I had my almost daily freak-out about how I didn't see if we could ever "work out," where he reminded me we don't have to know. maybe we're in each other's life just for now, to somehow shape each other. That thought brings me solace because it doesn't require a mental commitment for now. Too many variables in our equation are unknown. Far too many.

So, I held back and re-built the walls we'd slowly been destroying for weeks. In the meantime, I worried that everything he did was a sign I should be watching for. A sign to turn and run. I still don't understand why, if he saw me slowly destroying him, he wouldn't speak up. I think it's so contrary to his nature to do that.... so, I judged. I held back. I withdrew. The precious time we had was spent on me trying to run away.

We had good times, though! Swinging on the tireswing, unloading the dump trailer of firewood :), cleaning the yard, frisbee with Isaac & Rebecca. Then, the highlight of my weekend, probably: visiting his family. Ironically, he, too, has a brother named Adam and sister-in-law named Melissa. CrAzY. I loved seeing his nieces and little sister. Ages 2ish-6ish. Done. I was so at home running around playing tag, braiding hair, carving pupkins, eating, and then cuddling up next to Nathaniel whilst we watched "Sabrina." (Harrison Ford).

The next day, I searched Singles Ward for him, but alas, sleep debt had to be repaid. I was disappointed and consequently a turd. He came over during dinner as we wordlessly watched Criminal Minds. Then, I started packing to leave. Our last good-bye was hardly... lengthy? deep?

I haven't known what to think all along.
I still don't.

But, when he said he was going back out on the mission come this next Monday, I think my heart stopped.

I'll move on. But, I do believe my heart got stuck somewhere between here and him.

get outta town

2011-11-08T10:52:00.000-07:00

note:
"going out" involves:
(1) being of legal drinking age OR having a "fake." I was unaware. And when asked where my fake was, I stared blankly back. :) Oh, innocence.

going out with NYU girls was so much fun....until the whole underage, go-back-to-the-hotel-alone thing.

we won the Boston case competition--"CUIBE." My teammates (Adam, Wilfried, & Luke) inspire me. I only wish I were a quarter as intelligent, driven, & dedicated. I will try.

I will never tire of flights

I need to get me a carry-on luggage, rather than that hideous & heavy red duffel bag from someone in Africa...

sometimes I get my cereal nutrients in the form of rice crispy & cap'n crunch treats

it's okay to be wrong. owning up to being wrong makes you more of a person, not less.

98% of my life is freak-out moments over things which don't deserve freaking out about

visiting Harvard campus inspired me once more towards grad school. (not there! but somewhere...)

pros and cons (of today/Tuesday/I really should get to sleep)

2011-11-03T02:35:00.003-06:00

Bad news first; get it out of the way.

cons:
uh... missed that 8 a.m. class. again.
didn't get to talk to Boy.

pros:
I saved quite lit'rally hundreds of dollars on a suit by shopping at Plato's Closet. Full suit for $16. LOVE MY LIFE.
Hit up gym for fifth day in row. I feel good, oh I feel so good. That and I am hungry every moment of the day, too.

Temple with Eve & Marzipan was really needed. I felt a lot of guidance that was previously missing.
Marzipan and I had a heart-to-heart. I learned a lot.
Made dinner, did laundry, cleaned, packed, AND made goodies. Yes, I am being domesticated. and....I kinda like it.

I leave for BOSTON in FOUR HOURS!!!! I'm so excited and nervous. Excited to meet new people and nervous about the challenge of a 24-hour case!

And in life: everything will work out delightfully.
Now if I could just talk to Boy before he leaves for ten months..... :)

definitions

2011-11-01T00:55:00.004-06:00

yoga: rolling around on floor pretending to be flexible.

poor: buying only conditioner because you have one $1 off coupon, and anyone will only smell conditioner since it's used after shampoo, anyway.

partier: coming up with "Little Red Riding Hood" costume five minutes before the halloween party, then leaving said party after getting pics with friends. (Pictures are the party, anyway...)

friend: dashing off [precious] phone call with significant other to catch up to a friend who needed an open ear. All this occurring in a onesie at 11:00 p.m.

student: push back a meeting to fit in an hour-long nap. (much needed after previously mentioned friend chat, which lasted till roughly 2 a.m.)

sister: abdicates car to let other seester attend yoga (previously defined). also invites seester over for delicious and memorable picnic lasagna dinner.

best friend: calls and asks someone on a date with presence & coaching of other best friend.

nada

2011-11-01T00:29:00.000-06:00

I really don't get a kick out of Halloween.

"Happy Halloween" is such an oxymoron: happy day of creepiness/scary/not happiness.
Doesn't make sense.

carving pupkins.
creepy zombies, ghosts, living dead grossness.
effort of epic halloween costume ideas.
depressing combination colors of orange & black.

weak knees

2011-10-31T18:41:00.000-06:00

Regrettably, I have weak knees for boy bands.
they are adorable.
and cute.
and take me back to fun high school days.

embarrassing confession, I know.

strong

2011-10-30T12:30:00.002-06:00

my life is epic: this week

2011-10-29T23:25:00.001-06:00

set off fire alarm twice.
in two days.

went through bank drive-thru.
on my bike.
to deposit a check for $13.52.

failed at carving two pupkins.
yes, "pupkins."
from now on I'll paint them.

I knew today was good when....

2011-10-26T00:45:00.001-06:00

I woke up at 9:00
for my 9:00 meeting.

and as I ran out the door, I grabbed my "My Little Pony" fruit snacks and Nature Valley snack bar thing.
Delicious breakfast.

Thank you, General Mills.

And thank you, General Mills, for the kind rejection. I still love you as a company and will visit back in two years or so.

In prepping for my General Mills internship interview, I really did fall in love with the company. It's somewhere I would LOVE to see myself end up. Someday in the forever distant future.

So, even though I'm not the bee's knees, I really am happy.

Being "rejected" answered my stress level about having to commit to a full time position the next year. Things as far as school, interning, & mission are still hazy.

reason #678,234,198

2011-10-21T01:43:00.004-06:00

reason #678,234,198 I love pinterest:

hum dih dee doo dah day

2011-10-18T16:48:00.001-06:00

So, life is chill.
I'm really happy.

I was blog-stalking myself (which should be illegal or something), and I found Cecilly from March of this year to be so interesting. My life is different in many ways than I could have imagined. A post I was looking at was talking about doing Disney in the Fall, then starting my papers January, and mission-bound come April.

Now....
I opted out of Disney because campus opportunities were too wonderful to pass up
I am planning on an internship next summer
I'm not so sure I want to put my availability for August, even. There are still chapters of my life-book left unwritten, and I don't want to get ahead of myself and miss out writing them.... ;)

But, I have realized that everything is going to work out splendidly. Beautifully. Wonderfully.

I'm going to be in the real-world very soon, and that thought makes me inexpressibly excited.

For now, I fill my days with pinterest, schoolwork, stress, running around, getting stuff done, and become a better person.

My nights I fill with laundryroom Nathaniel phone chats, Clara pillow-talk, those things I didn't get done during the day, and daydreaming as I fall asleep.

hum dih dee doo dah day this is the life.

my fairytale

2011-10-12T14:30:00.001-06:00

I have a fairytale.

I don't understand why he came into my life,
I don't know how long he'll be here,
but I smile a lot.
and giggle late at night.

My head is in the clouds more than probably safe,
my heart is letting more walls be broken than I am comfortable admitting,
but I don't feel reckless.

He is neverendingly kind, caring, genuine, & sweet.
Everything mushy that chick flicks tout:
except he's real.
and for now, I can have that.

but not for long.
he leaves in a month. good boy.

Together, we learn.

I'm learning to trust, learning that nice people really exist... learning how it feels to be admired.
it's a weird feeling.
he's teaching me to care: to look beyond myself and see the best in others, to care about them as individuals.

all in all, this is a pleasant fairy tale.

ode to happiness

2011-10-06T15:01:00.000-06:00

sometimes when I get stressed, I hop on pinterest.
not because it helps me be productive,
but because I feel liberated and a little bit free with my time.
and it brings a smile to my face.
and I can daydream... for but a moment.
and I don't have to act like someone I know I'm not.

so.... thank you, pinterest.

a simple wish

2011-10-05T17:31:00.003-06:00

As I consumed my seventh bowl of cereal in the last two days, I wondered:

could General Mills sell delicious Lucky Charms cereal

and then right next to the box in the aisle, sell extra mallows?

I would pay.

pensées

2011-10-05T16:44:00.001-06:00

pensées

They say "talk is cheap", when in reality talk might just cost you everything. If all you have is talk, you lose your potential; you limit yourself to mere words when you could have filled actions.

Find shoes. big ones. step into them and walk around for a little, try to make your feet grow.

Fear should never be a reason for anything.

Sometimes you'll find that you knew the answer all along, but you still had to wait for someone to tell you. There were signs on every corner and you just didn't take the time to read them.

You know yourself best, so take your own advice.

Windows and doors always open and close but they don't coordinate. You might find yourself in a sealed room on occasion. Take that opportunity to enjoy the silence.

Sometimes you trip up the stairs, so don't be afraid of falling, in any direction.

Why? Why not?

Consider yourself lucky.

Be passionate, passionate to the point of insanity, passionate to the point of tears and most importantly, passionate to the point of action.

how to categorize nice people

2011-10-05T15:57:00.001-06:00

this post was written about two weeks ago, but I didn't finish it then. I thought it was worth completion:

well... no true categorization discovered.

take tonight: cecilly was not so chill. after one heckuva week, I got a little cranky.
I knew this week would be insane, and I was ready for it....or so I thought.
but every night the piles of homework seem secondary to the mounting tasks for extra-curricular activities. my new roommates are the cutest people ever, and I don't deserve the love they show me; I'm gone 8 a.m. - midnight only to come home trying to meet the social fix I feel is lacking, then start the homework. priorities, priorities, priorities. punctuality has failed, expectations seem to suffocate me, and yet I genuinely love holding it together. date tonight: super fun (albeit after a whirlwind day). come home ready to focus, and I am crabby. I want to do homework, not speak to anyone. so far behind. so I am a little less than kind & loving to those around me. barricade myself in my room to work off my stress.

then the little gifts come.
a granola bar from a roommate--which turned out to be from a kind neighbor boy.
a mug of hot chocolate along with a bowl of fresh popcorn--from same caring neighbor.

then a couple days pass, and I get home to find a super kind note on my bed from my roommate.
after another long day on campus, I come home to a two-sided sign on the door reading, "Cecilly is IN" and "Cecilly is OUT" on alternating sides. oh, the love I feel.
after a lunch date I was anticipating, my roommies ask excitedly how it was. the caring.
talking to a friend on a Sunday afternoon about how I've changed over the years, and him building me up and treating me like a lady should be treated. my heart is happy.
a friend listening as I have a semi-meltdown and let the tears flow. and he laughs alongside me about needing waterproof mascara.
a wide smile and "hello" on campus from acquaintances.
dancing in the rain.
feeling free to be me.
I love nice people.

yes, it's gonna be a good life.

pick-me-ups

2011-09-18T01:58:00.000-06:00

things that have a 90%> chance of making me happy:

rice crispy treats
cuddling
a short (1 mile) run
prayer
naps
talking to someone
music
crying
lightning
waterfalls
dipping my feet in pools
the movie "Everything You Want"
Yogurtland
cleaning
making a list of something
looking through pics of good times
painting my fingernails
dying my hair
redbox
swedish fish
thinking of Africa

2011-09-18T01:34:00.000-06:00

Found this, and found it adorable. Pretend I wrote it, and we'll call it perfect:

Dear Future Husband ...

Dear Future Husband,

I just got back from camping with a big group of friends.
I love camping.
If I could go camping every weekend I would. I love eating campfire food, dutch oven, s'mores, roasted Starbursts, hot dogs, even fish that we caught and grilled up. I love being out in nature relaxing and taking it all in. Is there anything more serene then laying out in the sun with your eyes closed, letting it's rays kiss your face, feeling a slight breeze running it's nails through your hair, listening and hearing the wildlife, or children laughing, or water lapping against the shore. I love the way you sit around the campfire just talking about anything and everything. I love how it feels when the campfire's dying down, as you sit there in silence looking up at the stars, seeing how small you really are when compared to the universe.

I love how you take me camping. I love that we can back-pack together singing camp songs. I love how we set up our tent together and roll out our sleeping bags. I love how we think we can conquer the highest peak and try to hike up it. I love how we go fishing and when I hook one how excited you get for me when I'm squealing in excitement. I love the way you look at me so lovingly with my rustled hair and makeup-less face ... and even then you love me all the same.

Future husband I'm glad you enjoy camping as much as I do and whoever you are, wherever you are, I look forward to all the adventure we will experience together.

Love,
Hailey

check it out

2011-09-13T22:32:00.001-06:00

dance party on third floor? CHECK.
running for the first time in a crazy-busy month? CHECK.
running to get ICE CREAM from McD's for the first time in a crazy-busy month? CHECK.
maturing faster than I feel ready? CHECK.
getting my toenails painted with sparkles? CHECK.
watching the car drive away that has my sleeping bag, but not having cell reception to call and have it turn around? CHECK.
having a full google calendar? CHECK CHECK.
making close friends with new neighbors? CHECK.
rooftop parties? CHECK.
getting stranded with a broken-down car? CHECK.
being so happy I want to cry? CHECK.
seeing Jon Schmidt in concert in the most perfect ;) of settings? CHECK.
dying my hair a shade darker? CHECK.
starting to cook food like a real person? CHECK.
visiting home because I love my family? CHECK.
roommate bonding over chocolate-chip pancakes? CHECK.
laughing so hard I got an ab workout? CHECK.
feeling competent in work? CHECK.
discovering an African friend got baptized? CHECK.
five hours of sleep? CHECK.
so ready to go on a mission? CHECK.
loving life so much I want to cry? CHECK.
getting organized with the power of googledocs? CHECK.
going to Yogurtland & beginning a puzzle? CHECK.
waking up late for the first time in a long time? CHECK.
yard saling, finding a plethora of goods? CHECK.
hanging out on g+ with the coolest people in the world? CHECK.

I hurt a little bit

2011-08-22T11:04:00.000-06:00

Excitedly, I emptied out a box marked "Books & Journals," dumping it on my bed to start organizing them.

Curiously, I picked up my journal from last year to see what I was doing on or close to this very day one year ago. I hurt a little bit:

"Tuesday, Aug. 24. 2010

Tonight is the eve of my upcoming departure...wow. I feel like no matter what I write here now is sufficient to conclude a summer of tremendous growth, realizations, laughter, maturity, and memories--yet by not writing I feel guilty.

Today I said all my good-byes. I pride myself in neither feeling nor showing emotion, but when I said good-bye to the kids at Rose & Paul's, my heart tore and I leaked a few tears. I wondered when I will ever see these kids again--these sweet, innocent, God-loving kids: Collin, who taught me logrythms. Morrine, who so kindly welcomes me and latches to me as a sister. Samuel, my favorite shy, scared, picked-on boy who doesn't know how to give hugs. Mary, so eager and excited to please. Freddy, my trustworthy teammate with a grin on his face. Amos, with his deep laugh while he's still so young. Joyce (Amos's sister) who sweetly works with a shy smile on her face. Fiona and Venitia, whom I can NEVER tell apart. Camia and his dancing...

I was there to facilitate the plans of the chicken coop-so I had difficulty in beings oft-minded while there. I had so much business to do! Paul caught me by surprise and told me, "When they see this coop, they think school, and they get so excited. They ask me, "Daddy, will we go to school this term?" I say, "God will have you go, " and they are so happy.

Hanna and I ate our last luscious meal of Rose's g-nut, matoke & pineapple, then had to hurry on our way. We said good-bye to the kids, then started to hop on our boda. Paul pulled me aside to tell me some of the kids thought we were just leaving back to Lugazi, then return the next day or week.

Ooh, my heart hurt.

He gathered them together and asked who understood our g-bye. Morrine explained to the younger--we were going back to America. -This is when the tears came. I tried to blink them off, with the kids all looking at me, but they saw.

I looked over their faces, trying to etch them in my mind forever--Samuel's usual disturbed look, Freddy's bright grin, Collin's happiness, all the smiles, and some tears. I never want to forget them."

a re-run of today

2011-08-21T00:34:00.000-06:00

3:30 a.m. wake up from dreams of capturing criminals. restlessly fight getting back to sleep. no more Mentalist before bed.

9:00 a.m. lazily wake up for reals, and stumble around the house, wondering what I'm supposed to be doing. I seriously need a decent night's rest (without the use of Nyquil...)

11:30 a.m. hit the mountain to get firewood for the next 7 hours. trip while carrying wood, work out my awesome muscles, get my arms scraped up like an emo slasher, acquire about 12 new bruises, be present as someone learns what the Confederate flag looks like, realize once more how much I love my family's definition of "fun", have some personal reflection time in the woods, feel the insane desire to go CAMPING!!! *tangent: I want to go camping. REALLY bad. But I need a token boy. Why? Because, for some reason, the presence of a boy equals safety. Girls can't go camping on their own. It's just weird/wrong/scary. But the one token boy solves this dilemma. Fair? Hardly. To any boy reading this blog (btw, if you are, you're already a good boy), please just propose the idea of a camping trip. I will freak out with joy and excitedly make all the details. Let's take 50 people. Puh-lease. I want to go camping. Tangent: END*
.......listen to T-Swift & Sugarland in the truck on the way home.

7:00 p.m. arrive home from the mountain, do three cartwheels, and go to clean two businesses (GRACO) with the fam because that's what we do.

10:00 p.m. anxiously check my e-mail, shower for the first time today, shove my face with nachos because that's the only food I love, introduce my parentals to Mentalist.

11:59 p.m. feel the bruises & aches from a gratifying day's work. facebook stalk for five minutes. journal. think about if I should read my scriptures or listen to a talk as I fall asleep..... hmmm.... the options......

yes

2011-08-20T01:31:00.000-06:00

yes, I just took a trip across the country to Chicago with Adrienne, Nathan, li'l Elliott, and my daddy. There were hilarious stories swapped, movies watched, CRAP food consumed, laps run around the excursion at breaks, and books read.

At the store I ran into a friend from high school who got back from his mission this month; he asked in good humor why I wasn't married yet, and what I'd been doing with the last two years of my life. We smiled & laughed, and I got to thinking: what have I done with the last two years of my life? This last June marks my high school graduation (look how old I am). Wow. What have I done with the last two years of my life?

nearly finished my bachelor's degree
I've dated plenty, thank you very much. ;) enough to keep me satisfied
watched friends begin new chapters in their lives
matured
felt the "growing pains" of maturity
laughed. laughed so hard my stomach hurt.
cried like there was no tomorrow
put out burning bridges
attended two Harry Potter premiers
learned to trust people
grown in the gospel
made remarkable friendships
begun to understand family love
made real goals for my future--and started believing them
started to really love who I am, even if I can't please every person I encounter in life
visited New York, Chicago, Uganda, London, Kenya, Rwanda.... been a lot of places ;)
be blessed with a li'l baby nephew!

yes, my little life is spectacular. I am going to a school which has granted me incredible opportunities. Opportunities to grow in the gospel along with my secular education. The people I've met have commendable priorities which I need to pattern my life after.

In the back of my heart is the nagging question if I came to the right school, if I made the best choice. Good 'ol facebook bestowed upon me an update from an old acquaintance of mine--one attending Yale. I think I underestimate how BYU is actually a competitive school in some areas, but when I saw his "education" part of his profile, I just wished for a moment that I'd gone elsewhere. (note: not that I'm intelligent enough to be accepted to said places, but perhaps I could have chosen a campus closer to those, so that my networks would allow me to cross paths.) That I'd let myself become something more than another BYU girl. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but.... there is. For me, there is.

I don't want to be a face in the crowd. I don't want to be a nobody. I want to be a somebody. Academically. Intelligently. I want to be someone who is kind & genuine & spectacular in every BYU/LDS way, but also someone who is bright & intelligent & driven in every secular way--in my work, in my life...in me.

This is likely the ramblings of 1 a.m., but I can't get out of my mind that my life shouldn't dissipate after the "M" word. Yes, I want it someday. I can't place a date on that someday, but I know I'll know it when I see it. In the meantime, I have so much growing to do. Some re-prioritizing, yes. I know some paradigms of mine need some help shifting, and I'm willing to do that. yes, I'm restless for something spectacular in life to happen.

yes, I think maybe, just maybe the spectacular-ity (just go with it) of life is in watching western movies with my dad during the 30-hour road trip or squealing as only sisters do with Kristie because we haven't seen each other in a whole week or unpacking with Adrienne into her new Chicago home of adventures and anxiously awaiting when that can be me or seeing old friends in Wal-Mart and catching up for those precious five minutes or planning for a college graduation--a day I still can't envision or going a week with no phone because I lost mine & have a negative desire to get a new one or daydreaming about that "one day" when life makes sense.....

in answer to the question, the answer is yes.

hiatus

2011-08-10T20:17:00.000-06:00

life has happened.

life has happened a lot.

life has happened a lot with many events.

life has happened a lot with many events which brought to light the essence of my character.

Am I pleased?

Wanji. (to all non-Lugandan speakers, that means "yes.")

I've neglected blogging because I have so much to say. Such thoughts to express. I don't even know where to begin, or how to prioritize what makes it to the blog.

the South is so cute. want.

this week I laughed harder than I have in months.

forgiving people is liberating.

sometimes I need to be forgiven, too, and I apologize for the hurt caused.

having something so good so close is frighteningly exciting.

I don't know why I spend 2% of my life at my apt.

I lit'rally haven't stopped running around: new york, provo, st. george, provo, vernal, provo, chicago, missouri, provo.

some nights I've gotten all-time-record-lows in hours of sleep: I'm talking 3-4 hours. I'm dyin'.

I found me. I don't know where Cecilly was hiding, but I found her! (I think she was lost in the recesses of the professionalism the Tanner building/business school demands.) I am coming back to bright-clothes, mismatched-socks, cheerful smiles, t-shirt Cecilly. I've missed me.

I want to ~~read~~ get lost in a good fiction book

this weekend mom resurrected a CASSETTE TAPE (those things still exist??) for me, and I'm in utter and complete love: Charly, a love story. (commonly known to LDS folks as the saddest movie ever)

I ditched a friend last week, and I think friend is still mad...with good reason.

I flipped a coin as to whether to graduate April 2012 or leave a semester after my mission. April won.

new york happened. and it was INCREDIBLE! I'd love to work there for a couple years before I entirely settle. It's just... it's New York. As we walked down the streets in the central area, I was mesmerized by all the business people. It wouldn't be me, but it's an experience I want to have.

school starts in two weeks. excitement.

chicago next week. bring on the 30-hour car ride!!! [and that's only one way.]

Little Mermaid @ Tuacahn was FABULOUS!!!

send me to an addiction-recovery session, because I've got three addictions I need to control:

(1) Mentalist. I. heart. Mentalist. and. watch. it. for. hours. every. night.

(2) Pinterest. my dream come true in virtual form: colors & creativity.

(3) Impulsive purchasing. for example, the kayak I bought last week. and dollar movies. yard sales. snacker snacks. dollar store. redbox. mall--that place is beastly. new york. frozen yogurt. taco bell. mcd's.

three weeks

2011-07-21T17:03:00.001-06:00

It took me three weeks to realize how...beastly and judgmental I can be. And I've made and lost a friend. Meet Boy.

I'm not sure how open I like being, specifically because I don't know who even reads this mindless blog...Maybe it's time to take a leap of faith and just be an open blogger. It's not like it matters what I have to say.

So, our St. George neighbor, Boy: cute, fun, easy-going, kind. Cecilly: crazy, judgmental, brash, fun-spirited. While Neltje, Kristie, and I took our St. George visit, we made friends with our neighbors. I talked briefly with Boy, but nothing dramatic. Introduced to a Flags Quiz game, but left it at that.

Upon our [eventual] departure from St. George, Boy and I started texting. Every day. All day. Talked about anything--Disney movies, bragging up our flags scores, musicals, hobbies, our hopes and plans for the future, our rivaling schools. I began to see how shallow I truly am. It scared me. I always thought I'm the nicest person alive. On the outside, I may contend for that title, but my inner thoughts don't align.

Boy came to Vernal for a weekend of yard sales, baby-sitting, selling popcorn, hot tubbing, movies, pudding goodness, and being pageant mom. We had a delightful three hour drive back to Provo, where we then parted ways. After that, we [unofficially?] established that maybe something would come of this blossoming friendship.

But, sometimes people are unkind. Sometimes walls go up.

And it's probably for the best. Still, I wish I would have been nicer. Not because my heart was heavily invested, because to some degree I was. I am willing to learn. Everyday. To change when needs be. But when I get cut off, that trust is severed.

I realize my flaws. It's not as if I delight in them. I'm trying slowly, daily to change. To improve.

But this is alright; it would have been a learning and growing experience, but I guess neither of us need that right now. All in three week's time.

It's over before it began.

2011-07-17T00:19:00.000-06:00

I am pretty confused in life right now.

I know I want to go on a mission, but I can't seem to figure out a timing that I feel particularly happy for. I don't know if I should graduate before I go, or leave one semester to come back to so I can re-connect with companies and actually have a stable job upon graduation.

---short intermission as Cecilly falls in LOVE with the people downstairs who baked cookies; the scent is travelling through my open window and entirely captivating me--

There's this boy I can't figure out. I've never been more conflicted in this category IN MY LIFE. My world is literally upside-down right now, and my paradigms are shifting daily. I hate it.

I don't know what I want to do for work: development-related, or strictly business & marketing?

Be A Girl Who Reads

2011-07-14T13:43:00.000-06:00

Two re-posts in two days is incredulous, but I found this sister blog post to the "Date a Girl Who Reads," and I was in LOVE once more. That's interesting, seeing as I barely know how to read and haven't touched my current reading (7 Habits for Highly Effective People) in a week.

"Be a Girl Who Reads:

Be a girl who reads. Be the girl who finds enjoyment in the written word, delights at the thoughts she finds, marvels in the plots and characters.

Read often, and read everything. Have an endless curiosity about the world and those who live in it. Discover new cultures and places; expand your mind beyond your own country and your own life.

Find new authors and new books every day. Compile an ever-growing list of printed materials to read. Browse the stacks of bookstores and libraries; get lost in their mighty labyrinths.

Embrace the popular and the obscure; realize that you need not be confined by genres or labels. Whether they are biography, memoir, fiction, non-fiction …all have a place upon the bookshelf of your mind.

Keep childhood favorites sacred. Never forget the moment you received your first library card, your first book of your own. Remember fondly reading events at school and how excited you were that books were given out for free. Recall how grateful you were, for your favorite book was already worn, pages dirtied, and cover torn by your constant reading.

Recall your first trip to the library, when you wondered how many books you could read in a lifetime and felt utterly certain that the library contained a multitude of treasures.

Bring a book with you wherever you go. Embrace purses and bags, not for their feminine qualities, but because they enable you to carry more books and keep them hidden. Less fights with your parents about bringing books to family reunions, easier to sneak books into classes; become known as ‘the girl with a book’.

Be passionate about books, the ones you love and the ones you don’t. Have opinions. Find other readers and discuss. Share your experiences and thoughts about why thisbook. Defend banned and controversial books. Understand that people have the right to decide what to read for themselves.

Realize that everyone has their own tastes, their own reading preferences. Suggest books freely but do not be upset when turned down. Remember that we approach books when we are ready for them. The stories are patient. They will wait for us.

Attempt the classics; succeed and fail. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis will be incredible, Les Miserables will be daunting, and Edith Wharton will enrage you. Move on, find other authors. Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett are happy to have you in their readership.

Read the popular titles. Fall in love with Harry Potter, restrain yourself from throwing Twilight . Remember Ranganathan, ‘every reader his or her book’ and ‘for every book its reader’. There are endless possibilities. You’ll find the ones you love.

Be a reader, and be yourself. Don’t waste time on books you don’t enjoy. Don’t convince yourself that there are books you must love. Remember, always, this very simple rule:

When in doubt, ask a librarian."

Written by Monica.

Date A Girl Who Reads

2011-07-13T16:28:00.000-06:00

I read this post on a blog last month, and have been mulling over it since; I just had to share it. I was giggling in my chair throughout the whole thing, excitedly agreeing to every statement.

"Date a Girl Who Reads:

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce's Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes."

Written by Rosemary Urquio
Posted by fellow blogger Erika.

Growing up

2011-07-12T00:40:00.000-06:00

I've been having recent conversations with a friend about the logistics of growing up. Y'know, what happens when you have to actually pay for your own stuff. Like not living with five other roommates. The reality of growing up...the stuff that we all know is impending, but if we put it out of sight/out of mind long enough, we'll hopefully escape its grasps. Yet we're inexplicably enchanted by the thought.

I know I'm elated at the thought of having my own little apartment in a somewhat "classy" area of town, coming home to what is just mine. I love roommates, I love friends, and I love family. But the thought of having something that is solely mine... thrills me. I want to work in Boston, New York, or somewhere back east. Have my own little apartment that I can decorate how I want because it's mine and mine alone. (no *other* has entered the future yet). I know it'll be clean because that's how I like it. When I have five other roommates it's all too easy to forget what is my mess and what is not. But when the place is my own, I'll know. And it'll be so fun for a while-to watch movies, curled up in a blanket. I'll lounge about in my bathrobe because that's how I like it. And no one can give me odd looks. When I want to have friends over and have some fun, I can. But when I want to come home and curl up on the couch to read, I can do so in silence.

If you haven't noticed, the future is heavy on my mind. I realized this week that I can, and WILL, graduate this next April. April 2012. My "perfect" graduation date. It's happening. I am still in awe, that, at the age of 21, I'll have my bachelor's degree. My heart is still mission-bound. It perplexes me. I want to go, I want to serve, I want to learn. I'll come back more spiritually and overall mature. I just can't believe it, that's all.

In doing the Miss Uintah Basin pageant this last weekend, I realized how... kinda mature I am. Not in a way that I'm touting my awesomeness, but that I didn't realize how different I am compared to most people. I love learning. I love life. I feel like it's too short to just "get by." I wish a seventh sense existed to represent how it feels to be so wholly in love with life. Words are an injustice.

The image I've had of my future shifts with every person I meet, and it scares me. Maybe I'm not right all the time...

Of these things I am certain

2011-07-01T00:50:00.000-06:00

Indulging myself guiltily in girl fantasies today by looking at rings was fabulous. You know what I mean. J

St. George was a dream of a party

I will conquer Austin and Travis at the Nationals Flags Quiz app

Cliff-jumping is a thrill

Finally, I feel comfortable enough with who I am to not feel the need to always wear shorts over my suit. this is big for me, mkay?

This pageant frightens me still

I love my job

I am going to go on a mission. I just need to strengthen my testimony a lot in the meantime

I think I’ve been to my college ward…. Four times? ... this summer

I haven't been to my apartment in a week

The nine-hour drive last night that should have been only four hours was a party at first, but in the last hour I wanted to eat every person’s face off.

Waking up to the rumble of thunder is a beautiful thing

I have to go to the bathroom

The Taylor Swift song, “The Story of Us” is cute

I don’t even like food anymore

I’m going to New YORK in a month

It is now July

I want to do something crazy. Like what Neltje did..... I don't feel adventuresome

Harry Potter 7 looks EPIC

looking at the week

2011-06-25T01:01:00.002-06:00

I finally learned why we're told by our dentist to floss... you can get cavities from not flossing! Who knew?? My attribute my ignorance to the third grade trip to the dental school--for which I was the only kid in my class that wasn't scheduled to go with all my class, so I went later all by my lonesome self. I probably cried.

I'm having my first (and last) root canal.

Pageants scare me.
I'm doing a pageant in two weeks.

I signed up for Netflix--probably the best decision of the week. And yes, "Mentalist" is number 1 on my queue, followed by "A Little Princess."

I've let down a couple people due to my poor time management skills, and I regret it.

For the first time in my life, I stayed at a hotel with my family. And it was only in Salt Lake; so close to "home."

We may have spent 4 hours and more money than my life is worth on furniture for the St. George house.

The Manti Pageant was a great experience. On the way down, Travis & I rocked the National Flags quiz game. On the way home, Hayley, James, Travis, and I had some really neat conversations, which are still causing me to reflect.

Food makes me sick.

When I feel underappreciated by someone, I don't feel hurt--I feel angry.

Graduating in April or December and then working in marketing is looking so tempting. I'm so uncertain about this mission thing... I need to put a lot of thought (*and prayer and fasting*) into it, but I'm getting so scared about it. And it's becoming a much greater sacrifice than I anticipated. How selfish of me... Just a lot of thinking to do.

I don't know who the heck I am, but I don't think I'll ever wake up and just know.

18 unlabeled messages in my inbox frightens me.

I'm kinda, sorta feeling so over school.

My grade in French last semester makes me cry. Lowest grade I've ever gotten. But...c'est la vie!

"Les Mis" (unabridged style) is now FINISHED.

Official: I will be living at Canyon Terrace next year.
Kid History Episode 5 is HILARIOUS. pretty sure I wet my pants with delight.

I don't speak spanish, japanese, or french

2011-06-12T22:37:00.000-06:00

this is how I feel about french class.

a summer of irresponsibility

2011-06-11T16:44:00.000-06:00

this summer has proven to be one of my greatest failures.

what do I mean?

french.

physical health.

sleeping.

punctuality. well... nothing new here.

being a good friend.

becoming a better person.

sticking to deadlines.

keeping my word.

doing dishes.

keeping my room from looking like a warzone.

paying rent on time. ten days late isn't too bad...right?

being honest. with myself. with others. in general.

I still beat myself up for taking a risk and having it kinda, sorta, maybe blow up in my face. I may or may not be secretly heartbroken about the way things have changed.

I don't know why, but my zest for learning is diminishing. I attribute it to being "burned out," and I hope that's all. I just want to get from one day to the next and get through my check-list. And that's not me. That's not Cecilly. I'm confused.

When I've tried to show people that I do care, I feel like I get used for that and it goes unappreciated. So the walls go up. The walls that keep me in and others out.

I look into the future, and I'm filled with a tinge of fear, realizing I don't actually know where I want to go, what I want to become....

Yes, life was easier when you could curl up and sleep with your teddy bear.

if you're not loving life, you're not living it.

2011-05-31T23:33:00.000-06:00

I took a couple minutes tonight to lay on the cool grass and just look at the stars.

for just five minutes, I forgot about the homework to do, the rooms to clean, people to please, e-mails to answer, friends to miss, work to do.... for just those five minutes I could breathe easily and just laugh to myself at how trivial my "problems" are. I really don't get it.

Life isn't about rushing, rushing, rushing to the finish line. It's not about packing the most in my day so I can look to others and say, "See, look? I did it!" It's about loving every one of those moments. If I so happen to pack my day with tasks, I'd better be loving every one of them. I'd better be living a life I love, because I've got one shot at this life thing.

beautiful smell of chlorine

2011-05-30T23:43:00.000-06:00

should I be writing a french paper? Oui! Am I? nah; I was shooting the breeze reading blogs and concluded I have some sporadic thoughts to verbalize

a soft spot: I love listening to soft songs like The Weepies and Colbie

a wish: go to france: eat & speak
a tip: the bridge from friendship to friendship *wink wink* is precarious
an inspiration: saw somebody who cared. I've forgotten what it's like to have something to care about--because apathy feels less consuming than disappointment--at first. blocking out feelings, though, only hurts more.

an observation: I wonder how much we realize how motivating it is when someone takes an interest in your interests. that thing so close to you, and someone cares enough to ask, push the issue, make you love it more

a fact: best friends once, best friends forever

a favorite: I love, LOVE seeing engagement pictures of people who are genuinely so happy together

an academic note: I don't care about 1 credit classes. terrible? yes. but I still don't. I have work, 3 cr, and 4 cr classes to care about
a weakness: I give up on things easily. hcg diet, disney, visiting teaching appointments, hitting the gym....

a yearning: get to Africa

a plan: to go on a mission--start my papers in DECEMBER

a weekend: stayed at my house in St. George--LOVE it! Spent the most wonderful weekend of my life with my family; so many laughs, such memories made. Visited my cousins I hadn't seen in...ten years.... wow. Absolutely terrific. Things are definitely looking up. Saw Les Mis: beautiful! Nearly finished the book in time.

a public service announcement: I don't think UTA runs on holidays.
a good time: hot tubbing
a secret delight: eating Ritz in my bed
a desire: to have a $500+ mattress one day..and have it delivered to my door
a great morning: wake up slowly at 9, then watch Full House
a confession: I'm not a very good student. working on that....after I finish this post. :)

intermission

2011-05-23T14:47:00.000-06:00

I need an intermission from life

Thank goodness this weekend happens to be a holiday, and thank goodness I am escaping Provo. Right now I just need an exit, and this break comes at a perfect time.

I plan to...

recollect my thoughts

break from school

keep starving

attend Les Mis in Salt Lake with my fam

read a book

tan

dangle my hands out the window

sing at the top of my lungs

pester Isaac

sleep

visit St. George and bask in the warmth and newness of our house

rant & rave

2011-05-18T13:19:00.000-06:00

I am melodramatic. Allow me to elaborate:

due to a merger of my phone company, I'd get a new phone. Booyah.

The day started slowly but beautifully: wake up a bit later than usual, slowly get ready for the day (look like crap, but beyond caring), ride my li'l bicycle up the treacherous hill, get my pant-legs soaked, get slaughtered in a french exam.... yeah, my day was looking bright.

I impulsively decided to just go upgrade to a nice smartphone.

so, I excitedly plan my "itinerary" via uta bus system. get to the bus stop, get on. credit card doesn't swipe. try card #2. nothing. at this point, the driver asks where I'm going, so I tell her. yeah, I got on the right bus ROUTE, but wrong direction. W. I'm incompetent. I can take that.

wait ten minutes, get on another one. pull out cash. don't give change. Really?? I mumble that I'll get my change out, so I sit down and rummage through my wallet, knowing I have no other change. The driver stares at me and won't leave. REALLY? I will pay DOUBLE when I get back on next time. I'm not so cheap as to jip UTA from $2.50. poor, but I have some dignity. he tells me there's another bus in ten minutes. (okay, dude, I know that some people have nowhere to be in life, but I'm on a tight schedule. time is of the essence, and I've waited ten extra minutes to get on this stupid bus, anyway.)

I get off, humiliated and defeated. probably mumbling under my breath on the way off. my fault anyways. he's just doing his job.

two minute frustration-crying session ensues.

go to some li'l place to break a bill and get change. call the at&t store to see just what I'll need to do when I get there. don't even have my desired phone in stock.

my attitude goes two directions:

(1) gratitude to the Big Man Upstairs for not letting me waste my time on a useless bus trek

(2) annoyance at the whole situation.

call in to get a phone ordered. I should have received the smartphone, anyway. one bright light in the day. I can get it free, no upgrade charge. bad news? don't have it in stock. may not for a week or so.

cherry on top: my phone dies mid-sentence.

LML. (Love My Life)

conclusions:

(1) learn the bus system. learn it well.

(2) the world doesn't revolve around you, even if you wish it did

(3) patience

it's all about your fatitude

2011-05-17T01:31:00.000-06:00

I'm going to do the HCG diet.

Why?

Because...

Moses supposes his toeses are roses

I'm scared to

I love sleeping in my bathrobe

Kristie and Neltje are

I like putting lipstick on before bed

Why not?

French is a beautiful language

I can blog about something new

I miss Africa

I've never done a "diet" before

It's 1 a.m. and raining outside

Makes for good memories

I ate tots in bed. And loved it.

My face is pudgy. And that's not all, that's not all...

My deposit for last year's rent came. $218.83 I didn't know I'd be getting. Booyah.

I don't believe that I can do it

I am addicted to hair highlights

An adventure it will be

I think I'm ready to give something up I've held onto for two years too long

To prove to myself that I am in control of my life.

forever and almost always

2011-05-15T22:46:00.000-06:00

I realized that, in life, I have "phases." With my stellar Paint skills, I thought I'd put my years of training to good use and share with you good people.

1) leading up: I get SUPER excited when something is looming on the horizon. I'll talk about it, blog about it, dream about it, read about it, eat about it.... like going to Africa, moving back from Africa, planning Disney, getting new roommates... I'm excited out of my pants up to the very last moment.

2) doin' it: immediately after the decision is made, I just feel overwhelming doubt. I wonder why I put myself through a change again, wish I could go back, dread the future.... Africa--sitting on the plane, I wondered what in the world I was doing. New apartment--sit in my room like a hermit. Immediately I doubt everything and everyone. I hit an all-time low, then I rebound a bit as I sorta, kinda get a hand of it.

3) finally gettin' the swing of it: this comes usually after 1-2 months. I make friends in the ward, group, classes; whatever. I don't look over my shoulder in fear of people laughing at me. This is when I feel pretty alright.

Once I realized these "phases," I thought of how much I despise them. I want to entirely cut out 2--or at least replace it with something. Change is inevitable, and I need to adapt much better...

Life is what you make it

2011-05-15T21:46:00.000-06:00

Sunday's are an interesting scene in LDS Young-Single Adult wards. I feel like they are a competition to be the prettiest, kindest, funniest, most genuine person in the room. In these scenes, my tendency is to blend in with the chairs or hymn books; just sorta, kinda disappear. Plus, I like calm Sundays. I want to be at church for church--not to chit chat.

Today, though, I realized the slight error of my ways. Church is for being uplifted spiritually. But we, as individuals, are greatly limited in what we can learn by ourselves. We need other people, and by not taking a chance to make friends, I am depriving myself of knowledge and growth that only they could offer. The comparison game was so high school, and I wish I were so over it. I shouldn't feel bummed when someone has a fantastic voice, knowing that I'll never be that good. Nor should I feel annoyed by gorgeous, funny people. Annoyed because I can't compete with that....but why should I compete? The happiest people I see are happy because they're not playing that game.

I am addicted to this idea of comparison, and it is harmful to me... I read another blog, I wish I were here. I see an outfit, I wish I looked that good in it. I am so glutton for punishment. Thing is, I don't know where to start to change. My freaking midlife crisis at the ripe age of 20. Goodie. :)

I enjoy sitting home and working on homework, but I know I should be out having fun and laughing with people. I spent 20 years of life NOT developing hobbies/talents/sweet nunchuck skills. I feel like it's too late to start now...

2011-05-14T01:17:00.000-06:00

people with extra phone chargers are life-savers

Sugarland and Maroon 5 concert back-to-back? Umm....YES!!! If you have to ask, you are on drugs

HogWash Piggleberry Punch drinks are sorta yummy

Never. Say. Never. Justin Bieber....is kinda cool...saw his movie last night, and did enjoy it

people that speak French (Travis*Clara*) make the world go round...or stop me from failing

two exams in two days isn't as gruesome as one might think

a little spring dress does wonders for your mood

roommates do the darndest, nicest things sometimes

when roommates and sisters get together on someone else's facebook, THINGS happen; love is proclaimed to random people, and Backstreet Boys re-emerge

I bought my first ever lipstick today. I felt like mom, and I feel so ready to be a girl. Lipstick is just classy.
girl nights out on the town (or Wal-Mart) are so relaxing. Be freaks in the store, get cookie dough, watch a chick flick, and life is good.
I watched My Girl, and I was BAWLING. not just sorta crying--this was full-on frightteningly bawling. Racking my body. That movie just...epitomizes innocence and youth.
Yogurtland will always be my happy place.

being good vs. looking good

2011-05-14T00:56:00.000-06:00

Lately I've picked up a [desireable] habit of attempting to look feminine. My vanity is fed by the thrill I get of going to campus and actually getting double-takes. Sometimes smiles. Sometimes something so simple as a name and interest to meet again.

Yeah, fine and dandy. Feel pretty. Yay.

I must admit that I feel so detached from Cecilly. Normal Cecilly is just plain and simple... doesn't feed her confidence and ego off other people's comments or interests. Believes in herself. In her abilities.
A fraction of my heart breaks--I feel that I need to change myself to merit validation. As if Cecilly just isn't enough. I need to be professional. Stifled under this pretense of professionalism and maturity is Cec yearning to be able to have fun. To feel guiltless going out to play at night instead of a strict schedule of the gym, homework, and work.

I feel like I'm always looking around to see how other's "rate" me. Am I smart enough? Pretty? Cute?

I'm so over it. Sick of the stupid mold. This life is my life. Unselfishly mine, but it's mine, nonetheless. If you have an expectation of me, feel free to submit it. I'll think about it for about two seconds and decide if I want to live up to it. Otherwise, I'm going to go back to what made Cecilly happy: being free. Being fun.

my perfect, dream day

2011-05-10T00:51:00.000-06:00

As I cut myself shaving once again (as I seem to do that one day a week I happen to shower) and gagged looking at myself in the mirror, I realized what my "perfect day" would consist of. Such a dreamy thought...

Sleep on a huge, comfy bed for a full 8 hours. Wake up like a princess, in a little silk nightgown of joy...throw the covers back and dance around in the sunrise.

Yoga for an hour in a spacious room of mirrors on a cute yoga mat that doesn't smell like a million gross bodies, like the ones I use at Gold's.

Shower... twenty minutes of warmth & regeneration. A big shower. Not have to hurry out so the five other roommates can use the bathroom.

Wrap myself in a soft bathrobe and slowly get ready for the day. While still in that bathrobe of goodness, be given a mani-pedi.

Have someone fix my hair... for just this one day. A simple, but fun style. One day of being a princess and not worrying about the small things.

Then....don a spring dress and have a pic-a-nic--with a picnic basket and a light tandem bicycle ride with that precious someone. :) A day of laughter and conversation. Being, feeling, and looking beautiful.

A nice dinner after we get all fancied up. A night hike to a waterfall in sweats & normal people clothes. The beautiful simplicity of waiting at stop lights, singing to music, dangling hands out the windows, tying shoes, tripping on the ground, scraping your knees, holding hands, laughing loudly, giggling softly, eating sandwiches, chasing napkins in the wind, lying on the grass looking as clouds as the breeze blows, taking cute & fun pictures...

As lovely as my "perfect, dream day" sounds, I hope I don't live it completely. Not anytime too soon. To fully appreciate this "perfect, dream day," my rite of passage is to live happily....now.

change of plans

2011-05-08T23:30:00.000-06:00

I need to blog. Something in me is dying every day I go without writing on this precious life diary. UPdates, UPdates...where to begin? Pictures will have to tell the story--it'll save me a couple thousand words. Don't worry that they're unrelated to the text. So is my life: random.

Happy 19th, Kristie!

I'm no longer doing Disney; I got my undergrad "dream job" of being a Marketing RA/TA (Research Assistant/Teaching Assistant). I get to work with professors and gain actual valuable skills. Too tempting to pass up. I was just feeling so stressed & distraught by deciding on Disney; then I realized that if I don't feel 100% sure (or at least 70%), reconsideration is in order.

So.... HELLO Provo, fall semester!!!! No idea where I'll live, not sure if I'll have a vehicle... barely registered for classes. BUT I do know that I'm content. I won't be missing EVERYTHING on campus. I'm excited to adventure out on my own with random roommates once more. I should be worried about not having definitive living plans, but I'm not. I'll be happy wherever. I'm still reeling from the fact that I just entirely changed my life and plans.

I will graduate next December. I can't imagine being out of the college scene. I'm quite ready, though. But... I am quite certain I will go on a mission. I can start my papers in January. CRAZY!!! If I take that route, I will graduate in about 2014, but I will have done everything I wanted to.

Life is so good.

Granted, I have had my downsides with friends & family. Saying too much, not saying enough, allowing trivial differences to cloud my perspective. Transitioning in a new semester and a new social scene has never been my forte . I think I play off that it is, but it doesn't come easily. I need some weeks (or months) to get my grounding; watch people long enough to find what the social norms are. THEN I'll unleash this Cecilly. :)

Going home for Mother's Day was wonderful. I realized how much my parents sacrifice just to make us kids comfortable and happy. So many years of doing campaigns, competitions, building fences, cutting firewood, cleaning houses... but those seemingly little things differentiate who we are. I'd rather build or clean a house than play frisbee. Call it a service project and I'm there. Call it an activity, and I might have my qualms. But... mom & dad announced that we have a home in St. George! OH. MY. GOSH. EXCITED!!! It is SOOOO nice--just like the homes we cleaned in Vernal. And it's going to be ours. Finally--nice things.

I hope life works out.

and so it begins all over again

2011-04-26T11:40:00.000-06:00

this time of life is familiar to many—the beginning of a new semester: new roommates, new apartment complex, new cute boys, new apartment rules, new styles, new friends…an exciting plethora of newness.

Accompanied with the novelty of life’s changes is nervousness about fitting in, boxes to be unpacked, roommates to adjust to and understand, more boxes to be unpacked, and odd smells to get used to. Oh, did I mention boxes to be unpacked?

I have been excited for weeks about this change. About being able to make new friends in a new atmosphere. Today the fateful day arrived, and my car, Frederick, was packed with boxes. I established domain in the largest of the three rooms in our apt, then made several more loads for goods. The move was tiring, and I started feeling an all-too-familiar feeling: doubt. My roommates seem cool, but there’s always that nagging in my mind whenever I start something new: should I be doing this? Why didn’t I just stick to how things were? What if my roommates have weird bodily functions?

I love where I've been. But… this semester will work out. Beautifully. Wonderfully.

To be stuck in the past is a tragic thing; today holds so much more promise than the past ever could.

To celebrate my first day in this new apartment, I am watching a movie about blogging—Julie and Julia. Full circle. I blog. She blogs. We all scream for blogging...or...something like that.

My apartment is stuck on the very end. In the boonies. Rather than be troubled by this premature reason to be anti-social, I am going to take it with a smile and a hearty laugh.

So... a toast to this summer. May it be the most magical, enchanting summer of my life.

closing ties

2011-04-19T18:56:00.000-06:00

the semester is a mere 2 days from entire completion.

I can't imagine my life without the people I know and love--Whitney, Amers, Apt 12--Jake, James, & Josh; Apt 24--Joe, Ryan, Sam; the girls in 28--Hayley, Katrina, Kendra, Dawn; Lisa; my lovers in apt 31--Caleb, Brian, Nathan, and Travis; Gibbs; people I have only acquaintanced... These wardies living so tightly to me have shaped me immensely:

I started the school year awkward, shy, and scared. Coming back from Uganda was not an easy transition, especially not to new roommates whom I thought viewed me as an entire hermit and weirdy. Well... at least they were right about something. :)

I remember crying over in Apartment 24 to Ryan and Sam (curling up on the Lovesac) because my roommates thought I was weird I wanted nothing to do with living there. Sleeping at Kristie's [old] apartment because, for once, I didn't have to hide away who I was.

I remember meeting up with Jake again (after a brief introduction last year), and being introduced to apt 12. A lovecrush on James ensued, I'll admit. Now is the time for childish confessions. I probably slipped with a crush on every one of those boys. And you know what? It's made me a better person. I could strut on in and flop on that couch at any time, and feel more complete through our conversations than I could on any other day. Get back to Provo from Christmas break and locked out of my apartment? No problem! I'll go sleep on the couch in apt 12 until someone gets home and finds me there.

Huber was my confidant for another time; I'd sit on my li'l African chair outside my door as my roommates laughed inside, and confess how alone I felt in my own home.The girls next door in 28 were angels, and Mentalist parties soon occupied our Thursday nights. So many laughs.

The rough roommate patch was quickly dissolved, and soon we were escapading to In n' Out, Krispy Kreme, and Wal-Mart at odd hours of the morning and night. STOP and road signs were acquired, popcorn popped, songs sung [off-tune], ice-cream devoured, confessions shared, blogs started roommates switched,
hurt feelings felt, words unsaid, flowers given, tests passed, tests failed, midnight premiers watched, snowfalls shared, onesies worn, pictures taken, food burned, boys crushed [lit'rally!], memories shared, princess parties hosted, valentines given, Vernal visited, presents given, donuts kiefed, trees decorated, balloons hung, pranks pulled, couches rearranged, notes left, tears cried, humor shared, dances danced, music played...

a year of memory and growth, so near its culmination.

whatever will I do next?

if you knew you couldn't fail

2011-04-09T19:51:00.000-06:00

The Ashby family. Seriously, my ROLE models!
Katherine (next to me) and I knew
each other from FBLA days.
Heart her family.

Yesterday I went to the MUSA closing social, with Franklin Covey CEO Bob Whitman as keynote speaker. One familiar message stood out:

"What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?"

participate in an iron-man triathlon

somehow show that person I like that I like him

put my best effort into all of my work -- school, extra-curricular

talk to and care about every person I meet--at every stop light, line, event, etc.
laugh. laugh so hard it hurts. laugh until I don't feel guilty for the time I'm wasting
cook. cook well
go to Africa and start a business
take a 3-month hippy vacation across the states, with no true destination

my thoughts varied from silly to somber.

MUSA closing social.
May I say I LOVE playing dress up?
Saw Carrie there--super duper fun!
Jeff & I are "formal occasion twinners."

the third answer, put my best effort into all of my work, was one I especially felt connected to. I've been working on a group project, which I know looks less-than-quality. I'm sure it looks average to all the other groups, but I can't look at it without disgust.
I can do better than this. Why didn't I? I threw my heart and soul into the Kraft Case Competition, but I couldn't give my same dedication to classes--which I receive a GRADE for.

I blame it on the group not motivating me. Since when, though, was it their problem to find out what lights me up and will get me to throw my heart into it?
Next, I shift responsibility to the time spent helping others. Kay, if I'm about to throw kindness under the train, I am glutton for punishment.

So... I settled with the conclusion that I am a slacker.
But this next semester will be different (gee, where have I heard that before?)

whirlwind of wonder

2011-04-09T00:27:00.001-06:00

these last two weeks have been a whirlwind, a hurricane disaster of tasks. I have gone on my merry, happy way, realizing that any moment of rest will come as a godsend.

In this transition of March to April, I have never felt so thoroughly exhausted—yet completely satisfied—with the busy happenings of life. the whirlwind of wonder.

Of these things I am utterly convinved:

97% of life’s conflicts could be solved with google calendar

20 years old is the perfect age—validated, but not prehistoric

Wheat Thins Crunch Stix deserve frequent consumption

The chip and cracker aisle have never captivated me this much

General Conference with Jaden, Neltle, Carlos, and Kristie is a terrific idea

Rain driving will always remain frightening

Driving with the windows down ushers spring quickly in

Frolicking barefoot is liberating

My compulsive sneezing must be spring fever. Either that or I’m allergic to Neltje.

Elliott is a cute little guy, no disputes

Kayaking for the first time provides entertaining memories, especially when with Kristie and Neltje

Service projects may not receive the anticipated turnout

Family matters most, even if we argue 80% of the time together

Class projects should not be procrastinated—especially when there are more than three of them

Ames & Whitney have sweet dance moves I need to learn

Late-night movies will always hold a place in my heart. Specifically Tangled and Narnia

Naps are only and always a good thing

I have a mad, fiery, hot lovecrush on Caleb

Story-time in the back rooms makes my heart happy

Midnight is the latest bedtime for a sane person

I seriously need to find a deodorant that works for me

Working out [again] gets the fat kids moving & hopefully the pounds dropping

Ethics, 8 a.m. just doesn't do it for me anymore

Cafe Rio with madre starts the week off right

PBL is over

BYU-B was fun while it lasted

"Tale of Two Cities" is a beautiful story, with Hale Center Theatre capturing it wonderfully

I like people. A lot. A lot a lot.

A marketing career of sorts is looming on the horizon

Sometimes the temple just doesn't happen...and it's alright

Festival of Colors is a guaranteed good time

Malynne & Cecilly sleepovers get a leetle crazy

rag curls don't always turn out how you anticipate

My life is just beginning.

C'est la vie!

late for life

2011-04-08T01:47:00.001-06:00

not only am I late for class, meetings, bedtime, wake-up time, and assignments; but if I were to sum all the events I am tardy for in one week, I may break into triple digits.

All these tardies sum to being late for life.

Elliott Carter Jack

2011-04-06T10:23:00.001-06:00

ELLIOTT CARTER JACK!!!!!

Kristie and I were able to join Adrienne & Nathan at the hospital and be there for the hour of card-playing before she actually delivered him.

I'm an auntie--
That thought elates me.
I hope to be the best aunt ever:
be his confidant, friend, and example.

I'm amazed how quickly life moves on--a baby changes everything.

Viewing Adrienne as a mom and Nathan as a dad is indescribable. This is their child. They will raise him. For years and years. They will learn from him, and he from them.

While Kristie & I were at the hospital, Neltje e-mailed me a li'l somethin' somethin' about being an aunt. It was then that I realized.... I'm an AUNT!!!

"Only an aunt can give hugs like a mother, keep secrets like a sister, and love like a friend."

I have every intention of living up to that.

Starting now.

Ending never.

An odd feeling

2011-03-29T19:57:00.000-06:00

I've never had my evenings to myself, here at school. About to change, because tonight is my last shift of my [evening] job.

I feel a little peaceful, a little disconcerted, a little worried, and a little excited.

peaceful because I don't have scheduling stress,

disconcerted about becoming lazy with evenings to myself,

                                                   worried about not finding a replacement job

   excited because maybe now I can have a real college kid life

YOU'VE got a problem? WE'VE got a problem

2011-03-28T10:55:00.016-06:00

Wheat Thins. Helloooooo.

And good-bye.

Neltje, Kristie, Ryan, and I are doing a case competition here on campus with Wheat Thins. We didn't think we'd make past round one, but somehow the other 18 teams didn't breathe and we squeaked by. For some reason, we're obsessed with doing well. Not necessarily winning; just doing well. Thus far, we've put in three forever-late nighters for this to come together, with last night being such a said festivity.

Midnight rolled around and Neltje and I thought, "Hmmm.... we should just keep working on this and get it done tonight." So off we head to Kim's (our basecamp), but not without a McD's stop on the way.

After one or two hours of not a whole lot getting done, we crashed rather than working hard. What the..??? W. So today we look like stoners, but are plugging through our presentation later in the day.

Not because we want to win. Because we don't want to lose absolutely.

countdown

2011-03-28T08:44:00.001-06:00

Disney is now only 144 days away! In sheer excitement, Neltje and I made a paper chain to countdown for this magical arrival date.

NOT SOON ENOUGH!!!

I really can't fathom what it will be like. I know that sounds ridiculous, since it's still in the U.S. and likely not that different. However, it will be different from what I know.

Part of me wishes I were going to Africa (Ghana, Tanzania, Kenya...Mali...), but I am stoked for Disney nonetheless.

Africa will come. Next summer. :)

and I'm still breathing

2011-03-25T01:31:00.000-06:00

life is a flurry of wonder.
I love comic sans--the font.

In one week's time, I have:

deprived myself of sleep to finish a marketing case competition--completely extra-curricular, but it became more important and relevant to me than school
KAYAKED for the first time!!!
failed at going to the gym. Working out, what?

taken [and essentially failed] a test I studied my butt off for
finished the Hunger Banquet. BAM. Fulfilling. Gratifying.
come closer to several best friends
stressed my mind out writing a paper I thought was due today--only to find out I turned it in one week early. Oh, I heart my life.
got over the most aggravating sickness ever-no more blowing snot on the people next to me in class, dang it all.
experienced Hun Cal Fro Yo for the first time. Okay... or Red Mango.
have eaten out the most time in one week of my entire life, prolly
wrote a sentence just a'barely that makes 0 sense
applied for a different job, and put in my two week's for my current job

this is a li'l more long-term. Like summer.
See, Kristie is wearing the pink. ha ha

UP n' coming... in the next two days;

pull off a rocking service project for PBL
visit teach!
visit some friends in Northern Utah (Namely the Stone family and Malynne...!!!)
Festival of Colors
Another case competition (just can't get enough)
solidify spring/summer classes
plot ways to take over world
write a letter to the editor
mourn BYU's loss in March Madness

Dear Google:

2011-03-23T20:32:00.000-06:00

Dear Google,

Please innovate a search feature similar [but better] to what Yahoo just came up with so I don't have to leave you.

Dedicated to you,

"But what will I WEAR?"

2011-03-23T19:41:00.001-06:00

'dis 'es my life

The Grinch. "But what will I WEAR?" translate that into real-life (not virtual, fake, or just kidding life. REAL life), and you have Cecilly at the crossroads of her life. When people ask me what I plan to do, I try to find a way to slyly get the point across that I don't know. But would I admit that? Not to anyone else but this open blog to whoever decides to care. *melodramatic sigh*

So, rather than life being a matter of choosing between two roads, my life is more like a maze. Where the heck is my string to guide me through? Bread crumbs, mebbe?

Recent changes/discoveries:

my current employment is finished next Wednesday; I'm excited for a change, and excited to learn & apply new skills in some other form of employment. Waitressing sounds fun!
I am addicted to extra-curricular involvement. I think I dedicate more time to extra things than school. While yes, it stresses me out, I would be completely dissatisfied with doing just school. Something about that thought makes me cringe.

my future? I think I'll sell balloons to small children.

A mission?

2011-03-22T19:00:00.002-06:00

I found this blog post unfinished. It was from March 22, 2011 (this year). I thought I'd post it for kicks n' giggles and date it to its correct date....
-Oct. 18, 2011

One year from now I could be gone. To another place gone. I'm very much planning on a mission: school over the summer, Disney in the fall, start my papers in January as I do school. Then...g'bye.

I can't imagine life without secular knowledge, and the opportunity to have technological research at my fingertips. No googling something. No e-mailing five people as I'm taking care of seven other small tasks. My whole life, my everything will be completely focused. I can't even fathom how much that will change me. But I'm excited. I'm excited to be a part of something bigger than myself--to share the knowledge of principles that bring me so much happiness. That, if I were to fully live them, I would be forever changed.

your saturday night. my saturday night.

2011-03-20T00:20:00.000-06:00

your saturday night

my saturday night

the best day

2011-03-16T19:52:00.201-06:00

In so many ways, shapes, forms, languages, and styles my 20th birfday was the best day of my life in all..20 years of my existence.

the morning began with opening my eyes to a cage of streamers over my bed. I woke up feeling the way I think babies feel: looking up to the hanging "toys" over their cribs. I accomplished my goal to look feminine (or...I think I did...), arrived to class, got all unpacked, and looked up to see a bunch (literally) of balloons taped to the board with my name: Cecilly (Rose) written by them. Awww!!!

My day was already perfect. Don't worry, they hung there all of class--for everyone to see. Then, when my next class started (same room), the teacher saw the balloons (which I had taken down, but were sitting by my feet like bubbles), asked if it was my birthday, and insisted the class sing to me. I was red. Redder than red. Yes, I'm thrilled to be 20, but I feel...vain... being the center of attention. I think everyone deserves a day, but I still felt like attention was on me too much.

Inside the ballooons was a secret poem from my dearest roommates... I don't deserve this...

Free food on campus with Neltje & Kristie--snatched that up. Those two felt it necessary to inform the rest of the mooching college students that it was my birthday, and some chick sang to me in Italian--opera style. Legit? Then we watched this boy, REESE, recite 800 numbers of pi. EIGHT-HUNDRED NUMBERS!!! No crap. Reese.

The day continued on fabulously. Neltje & I went & signed her up for us to be summer roomies!!! Super duper excited!! Stopped by OIT to get speakers for my "party" that night. Yeah, the speakers were for a crowd of 100 people. I kinda, sorta said I didn't anticipate quite that crowd. I don't think they understood that this was for pibsqueak Cecilly's birthday party of her seven closest friends. I just wanted some more power than my laptop offers... not a DJed event...

Off to Krispy Kreme we went to redeem some coupons we had. (yes, poor college students love free food in any form). We were planning on going through the drive-thru, putting on scarves, hats, & hoodies, then going inside, then changing clothes and going through the drive-thru again...until someone noticed. well, that entertainment was cut short by losing my camera. :( ahhh man!

Work. Leaving work, and I get KIDNAPPED!!! By Adrienne, Nathan, Kristie, Carlos, and Neltje. I was deeeeelighted! So special. As we drove like a madman around Provo, I wondered as to our whereabouts and destination.

DELICIOUS meal at Kim's. I can't even thank her enough; such a wonderful family friend, and truly my second madre at school.

Off to my apartment, where I was thrilled to meet up with some friends.

And...to complete my perfect birthday week, Ames & Whit got me flowers. Umm....I nearly cried. Okay, I may have a leeetle bit.... I've never been given flowers before, and gerber daisies are my absolute FAVORITE!! Them being later in the week only was the icing on the cake.

Streamers above bed. Balloons in class. Singing happy birthday. Poems. Free food. Pi Day--Reese's legendary 800 digits. Party speakers. New summer roommate!!! Krispy Kreme. Camera lost. Laughs. Kidnapping. Favorite dinner. More balloons. Long-time friends. Delicious fruit pizza and rich cake lining my tummy. Flowers that bring tears. My heart full of love and gratitude to people who took time out of their day to celebrate something unrelated to them.

That is friendship. That is a birthday. That is the beginning of the best year of life.

let's not forget

2011-03-16T19:50:00.000-06:00

As far as Provo driving is concerned:

We love free stuff. Like TURN SIGNALS. Use 'em.
Pedestrians: you may think you have the right of way, but don't forget... I'm bigger. :)

I was driving my merry little self to work today and this car in the lane next to me started to get awfully close to me; I watched for a moment to see if they were just a little off, or if they really thought they were in my lane. If you want to get in front of me, cool. Use your turn signal. Otherwise I assume you're drunk or asleep, and need me to honk at you to wake you up.

This will be my year.

2011-03-12T00:26:00.001-07:00

Two days. Twenty years. New me.

This will be my year.

I'm going to...

look like a girl 70% of the time (and yes, this is actually a feat)
hit the gym thrice a week (counting on Neltje for this)
be sincere
push myself out of my comfort zone--weekly
try to overcome my fear of people--they SCARE me!
live and love my life in DISNEY!!!
maybe even date :)
laugh. laugh a lot.
develop a new sense of humor--of any sort
become better than pathetic at some coordination/athletic event
do a triathlon
return to Africa
make a scrapbook of life
mange my meager money
find a new fashion style
dance in the rain
learn etiquette
really LIVE my life

*~C'est La Vie~*

"What's new in life?"

2011-03-02T20:16:00.012-07:00

Infamous question. Running into someone you haven't seen in over 7.2 hours. "What's new?" I don't know...I matched my socks today? I didn't belch obnoxiously in public? I remembered to zip my pants? I looked halfway like a girl today? Deodorant? Made a facebook friend?

That or....

1. My best friend, Malynne, has a blog. I am so satisfied with that fact alone that I think I might do a dance at a veeeeerrrrrrryyy public venue. WATCH out, dollar theater tonight! Going to see "Tangled" with Ames, Whit, & friends. This might be my dancing debut.

2. I have the sanitation equal to that of a pig. Ames told me one day about 4 months ago that: "You don't eat leftovers." I was apalled and quickly shut down her observation. Yesterday morning Whitney noted that Neltje & my potaters were stinkin' up the

cupboard. Today Ames pulled out a wrapped biscuit from....a couple weeks ago. Ames is right...I don't eat leftovers.

3. I took pictures of my room rather than cleaning it. I was doing an online exam when I accidentally refreshed the page, submitting it before completion. I called up my teacher, and am waiting for it to be reset so I can do it all over again. Oh, brains!

4. I've been staying the night at Kim's--family friend--for the last couple nights. I got a full two pages of from Kim, with her best being: "I should write fortune cookies" and "Food additives give meaning to life." Due to the depth of our conversation and the ill-justice it would receive as only a THOUGHT on this blog post, I will be dedicating a new post to it entirely. Watch...it's good.

5. I signed a contract for spring/summer with two friends. The Colony. I had never been apartment shopping for myself before--I'd gone with Kristie last year, but my previous choices were based off of knowing someone at the apartment complex. So.....c'mon, summer! Bring what you will!!!

6. I accepted DISNEY!!!! I will be going August something with Kristie and Neltje. Can you say BEST THING EVER?! I took some time deciding on this matter, but after wise words of wisdom from friends, strangers, and animals I decided on accepting. When else will I be in the most magical place in the WORLD?!

the final 19

2011-02-24T18:44:00.023-07:00

19 days left of being 19. I am stoked. to recap this year, the top 19 things...

....I learned

My attitude determines my life--where I go, who I meet, what I do
I can't control everything. Life happens.
I learn every day from the people around me
All roommates--Mandy, Melanie, Erin, Whitney, Amy, or Neltje--are the best to talk to after a fun date, a hard day, or when you've got something on my mind
Friends always pull through when given a chance
Everyone may move on to different phases in life, but that doesn't mean I'm "behind"
Nachos should not be a staple college food
Accept my own flaws, but not let them overrule who I want to become
Living in guilt makes life heavy and difficult to bear. I've been given citizenship to this country, and I can't live life in guilt of that. BUT I can live in hope and action to make something of my position
Missionaries are fun to write, think about, send packages to, and support
When I really need to get up, I can. Otherwise, don't count on it
Nine o'clock class is best
Living in Africa is pretty much my best decision ever made
I can make friends with any person I really have an interest in coming to know
Sometimes people have let me down, but that does, in no wise, mean that I can no longertrust them
Memories last a lifetime
Never regret anything, because at one time it was exactly what I wanted
You live and you learn, as far as relationships go....
Life's most exciting adventures happen when you are forgetting to search for them

what if they say no?

2011-02-14T18:33:00.008-07:00

I'm frettin'.

Set my hopes for and applied to Disney--phone interviewed Wednesday--thought it went well. Five days later, though, I'm uncertain.

Kristie and Neltje are both accepted and good to go. If I don't get in, I'm a loser! I'll feel epically challenged--even Disney won't take me, and they're the happiest place on earth!

So, cross my fingers and continue obsessively check my e-mail every 30 minutes....

crossroads

2011-02-13T20:55:00.003-07:00

I don't know... what to think of life right now. I'm somehow looking for something which feels fulfilling to me. Not to what people expect of me, but what do I want?
Do I love international work the way I think I do? Do I like business? I love kids. Do I want to pursue a career with that, or hope that in life I am able to work with kids more?

Family has been it's own little ball of joyous stress. :) Whether it be the natural [or..I hope natural!] arguing that comes with sisterhood or trying to be helpful and comforting to other siblings, I just haven't expected anything that has come.

But... c'est la vie! "La vie!"

"Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved."

discovery

2011-02-13T20:33:00.027-07:00

weekend highlights:

dad becoming [novicely] Facebook savvy
boys playing chess on the computer
waving good-bye to Kristie with pageant pics

this weekend also proved to be a time of discovery. I learned several things I am most certainly terrible at:

1. Cutting hair. I have vowed to never endeavor to take scissors to anyone's head but my own; I can handle ruining my bangs, but when it comes to horrifying someone else's appearance, I will not stoop that low. Adam was getting his hair cut by Nathan. Nathan was lured away by Adrienne to watch the game, so Isaac took over;

I came over to photograph this nice brotherly bonding moment, when Adam asked if he could get the part above his ear done a bit more. Isaac took off, leaving me there. I stared in fear at that hair-buzzing device. I had never held one in my life. However, it always looked easy to do, so I picked it up and joked with Adam how he should be scared. At this moment, I had no idea that he really should be taking me seriously. So.... I held his ear back, angled the razor at an odd angle, and BZZZ...something wasn't....looking right.... "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry! Oh my gosh, Adam! I am so sorry!"I was bright red and humiliated.

Adam, being the bestest, most easy-going person in the world, assured me it was alright. Sure, he made jokes about one spot on his head feeling colder when he walked outside, or wishing he only had a hat, but he made me feel totally alright about my humiliating mistake. It looked so easy to do, but alas, things are not as they seem. Never are.

At first I wished I could crawl under a hole and hide my mistake/inadequacy, but given time and a little bit of introspection I realized that I can't win 'em all. Does that mean it's okay to make Adam look like a post-surgery patient? Nah. I should keep that to a minimum. But if a bad haircut is all that comes of a mistake and I can take so much learning from it, I would do it again--this next time, though, I'll take one for the team and do it on my own head. As my dad said, "What's the difference of a good haircut and a bad haircut?....Three days." Thanks, daddio, for that comfort. :)

2. Night driving downhill around turny corners: My turn came for driving tonight on the way back to Provo. As we went down Daniel's Canyon, I was constantly reminded by my car buddies (Adrienne, Nathan, & Kristie) how poor I am at night drivingdownhill around turny corners. I don't know if my 10-miles under the speed limit or my sweaty palms death-gripped to the steering wheel gave me away...

unfamiliar titles

2011-02-12T11:27:00.006-07:00

last night I was studying in the library right before my final test of the week. My scores progressively improved: my first exam was.... well... something I'm not so thrilled about. The next score was 5% better, and the next 9% higher. Great learning curve, eh?

a normal study habit for me is to burrow myself amongst rows of books which hold no interest to me: the music or science sections usually are best. Being surrounded by books psychologically puts me into "study-mode" and being in the "stacks" doesn't let me talk to people--there ARE no people! The normal ones study at tables, with friends, in cubicles--not in the stacks. Because the books are so far beyond me, I don't distract myself by flipping through pages.

last night, though, I ended up in the Psychology section. as I tried to come up with ways to remember the facts for my upcoming exam, I strolled through the stacks and read titles. sometimes a book caught my eye and I would crack open the old book to flip through and skim the pages.

I thought how maybe I could've been great at psychology. But it's too late. Not that I want to do psych because I hate my major and the path I'm on, but maybe I could've been. If I had, who would I be today? My life has taken me places, though. To think where I'd be had I done a different major... had I gone to a different school. Every choice is an important choice, because every choice shaped and molded me.

TEDx, this conference on campus, talked a lot about identifying your strengths and becoming GREAT at something: to take chances, but not be reckless. to be bold, but not overbearing. I am excited to see where life takes me, and ready to start reading more books with unfamiliar titles.

a moment of rest

2011-02-10T17:41:00.004-07:00

I don't think this will come. Not this week.

Several times today the world has literally spun around me as I try to get a bearings on where I need to be in the next 2 minutes, people I need to talk to, or homework assignments due within the next 30 minutes.

Is this how I want my life? Really? So busy I can't appreciate the moments I've been given? I think not.

3 exams within 3 days
family fun
family heartache
2 airport runs within 7 hours of each other
21 credits' worth of homework
dirty room
messy apartment
slight bickering with roommates
no sleep
working out when I don't have the strength to wake up
waking up ready to go back to bed
being late to class
sleeping through class
reading up the wazoo
loooong work shifts
a planner with no breaks in it

BUT...... I can't look past that this week has also brought

love from roommates, Whitney, Ames, & Neltje
kindness from friends Jake, James, & Caleb as they just asked how things were going
long conversations and discovery
moments of reflection
proof that I can withstand insurmountable stress
family unity
chocolate-covered-cinnamon bears--from ALL my roommates! They know me TOO well!!! Love them!!
happiness from the sidelines, watching love BLOSSOMING!!
lunch with seesters on campus
showers!
a new lanyard
Kristie & Neltje getting accepted to DISNEY!!!
anticipating if I've been accepted, too
post-test naps

Overall, why complain? This week was not what I expected, but life is unexpected. This is what makes life exciting: wondering what could possibly happen next. Prepare for the worst, expect the best.

That being said, I definitely wouldn't mind a break next week....

Maybe Vernal will provide some relaxation. I'm excited! Three hour car ride with the seesters...some of whom are less than thrilled with me right now...

C'est la vie!

magic

2011-02-09T17:50:00.008-07:00

Princesses. Talking animals. Castles. Princes. MAGIC.
Disney = Magic. The equation is simple. In fact, not EVEN an equation. A statement of fact. Everyone knows it.

I'm looking into doing an internship at/in/with Disney. DisneyWorld. Reading up on Disney even more, I am falling in love with the history of it: one man's dream made into an empire. A legacy. Every girl's dream. Hey, maybe even some boys'. haha

What a party it would be, too: I mean, DisneyWorld. Can you say MAGICAL? A semester with my best friend and sister, Neltje and Kristie. Days in Florida. Working at the most magical place in the world. I think I would wake up every day delighted to be alive. Not think--KNOW.

Then on the other side of my brain is the pragmatic side, telling me to do something more academic, less playful. I tell myself I shouldn't be off frolicking amongs castles, princes, and fairytales: I need to be serious. Maybe move toward that long-anticipated graduation date, eh? THAT would be a sorta, kinda, really good choice.

This side of me pushes for going back to Africa. To work with a professor and do research on how to solve problems that are in the world. Problems like finding food to eat, not catching illnesses from bad drinking water, creating jobs, seeing how a whole continent could be forgotten in the global business world.

I feel passionate toward both choices. I see the growth I could make either way, but real-life decisions are difficult! Even when I award both options weighted "points," one always trumps the other in what "feels" right. That and I don't know the outcome I want for my life, so how can I adequately weight them, anyway???

Oh, the days of youth! I haven't a clue what to do, and I'm still a teenager. Joyful!!!